Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My Enormous Crystal Balls: The 2011 MLB Season



By Hockey Guru


Trying to keep up with all the concussions in the NHL at the start of the season caused the Guru's computer to implode. But just in time for the NHL play-offs... he's BACK!

And so, in dusting off the old crystal ball, it is time to ponder the start of another baseball season and kick off the Sports Talk Pool's predictions for Fall 2011. First off, I'm predicting a year of extremes which will provide fuel to those who argue for expanding MLB playoffs.


NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST
The crystal ball predictions:
2011 Record
Arizona Diamondbacks
Nothing to see here - please disperse like the fans will most certainly this summer. 100 losses is a reachable number.
63-99
Colorado Rockies
Jose Lopez contributes significantly to the best offense in the division.
93-69
Los Angeles Dodgers
Charlie Sheen organizes a mass effort to re-acquire Manny Ramirez and re-open Manny-Wood.
79-83
San Diego Padres
The Padres are more likely to finish with 100 losses than to finish above .500.
69-93
San Francisco Giants
Even though the Guru feels they are over-rated (in a universe that echos that they get no respect) - there's no arguing that they know how to find a way to win. Of course they won't be sneaking up on anybody. If they avoid injury, a 94-68 record and division title are likley. However, the fearless prediction is that Tim Lincecum will spend significant time on the DL this year (possible Tommy John Surgery required) and the fairy tale 2010 turns into a nightmare 2011.
88-74
NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL


Chicago Cubs
The Cubs may be the surprise team this year, oh wait, there still
75-87
Cincinnati Reds
Their pitching could be in shambles quickly and they could end up below .500 if they self-implode - but they don't and despite 90+ wins will miss the playoffs - triggering calls for expansion to a second wild card.
92-70
Houston Astros
Another contender in the battle for 100 losses.
64-98
Milwaukee Brewers
It's awesome to get so many games against the Pirates and Astros.
98-64
Pittsburgh Pirates
Good news - they may not finish last in the division. Bad news - they'll approach 100 losses yet again.
65-97
St. Louis Cardinals
Keep an eye on this Albert Pujols kid - he might just emerge as a hall-of-famer.
99-63
NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST


Atlanta Braves
Again the Braves come up short - this time, not in the playoffs but short of the playoffs - too many young players will need to carry the team and they just won't be able to do it this year.
89-73
Florida Marlins
Nobody cares about the Marlins so no need for a comment here - just they somehow find a way to finish above 500 again and stay relevant in playoff races for longer than they should.
86-76
New York Mets
The worst team in baseball - and so the Pirates argument about not being able to compete because of payroll can get thrown out the window. It's not just payroll that makes a winner.
54-108
Philadelphia Phillies
Despite injuries, slumps and off-years - the Phillies get into the playoffs again. Giddy-up Roy.
90-72
Washington Nationals
The sub 500 seasons are over.
81-81



AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST


Los Angeles Angels
Vernon Wells is not going to get any better - seriously.
72-90
Oakland Athletics
Had to check the crystal ball twice on this as good as their pitching may be - not sure where the offense will come from - but the crystal ball is never wrong
89-73
Seattle Mariners
Edgar Martinez is not walking through that door
80-82
Texas Rangers
Too many teams will be gunning for them as the defending AL Champs and it's just not happening for them this year.
83-79
AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL


Chicago White Sox
Battery on crystal ball is running low - insert your own Ozzie Guillen meltdown joke
87-75
Cleveland Indians
Another candidate for the 100-loss race?
65-97
Detroit Tigers
Verlander wins Cy Young and Detroit scores a ton of runs, but pitching keeps them from being one of the best teams in baseball
86-76
Kansas City Royals
Hard to believe KC fans still have to wait to see their young talent start producing but maybe they can see 100 losses
63-99
Minnesota Twins
Of course they'll be over 500 and of course they'll be in the playoff race all year. But this just won't be their year.
83-79
AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST


Baltimore Orioles
Baltimore may be the most important team in baseball this year. With the focus of their manager being to take down the Red Sox - the O's show up big-time in those 18 games.
67-95
Boston Red Sox
The duck boats can only hold so many and with the number of prognosticators jumping on the Red Sox "bandwagons" - the boats are gonna sink. But missing the playoffs with 95 wins will continue to make the push for another wild card team.
95-67
New York Yankees
The biggest question marks are the depth of their rotation. Seriously, the crystal ball doesn't have to work to hard to answer that question. The Yankees obtain at least 1, if not 2 "aces" over the course of the season.
100-62
Tampa Bay Rays
The Rays bullpen is their weakness - but they have plenty of young arms and some will emerge and dominate. Two of Sean Rodriguez, Ben Zobrist, Matt Joyce and Dan Johnson will emerge (or re-emerge) as all-star caliber players.
96-66
Toronto Blue Jays
Wrong place, wrong time.
78-84



So besides wasting time, the Guru has apparently predicted the playoffs to look like this:


St. Louis vs Philadelphia
Colorado vs. Milwaukee

New York vs Chicago
Tampa Bay vs Oakland

The Phillies, Brewers, Yankees and Rays win the Wild Card round.



Then, the Brewers defeat the Phillies

and, the Yankees defeat the Rays


And, we'll go with, the Yankees winning the World Series, much to the chagrin of Red Sox Nation.


Saturday, March 26, 2011

Souvenir Game Program: Baseball League 2011



By Spezzal Teams Playa


Welcome, everybody. Please take your name tag and sign the guest book. The punch table is over there, and the buffet is along the back wall. I hope you all have fun and get to know your neighbours.

I have listed everyone in order of last year's Final Standings. You'll note that while most faces look familiar, there are four new General Managers: Da Pad Squad, Phoenix, Three Penis Wine and Ufa.



1. Perrysburg Pain

manager: Big Storm

email: lonnitschke@hotmail.com

aliases: Perrysburg Polliwog, Perrysburg Phreakz

location: Perrysburg, Ohio

date joined: March 2009


Last Season - Reigning League Champion

2009 Baseball – 16th

2010-2011 Hockey – 4th
2009-2010 Hockey – 18th

2010 Football - 12th



2. Odessa Isle Wind

manager: Gary “Ace” Ventura

email: aventuraexisle@yahoo.com

aliases: Silver Sluggers, Odessa Ex-Isles, Odessa Snow Jobs


location: Odessa, Florida


date joined: September 2009


Last Season - 2nd

2010-2011 Hockey - 6th
2009-2010 Hockey - 3rd

2010 Football Midseason - 7th
2010 Football Season - 18th



3. St. Paul Hell Lions
Irie
manager: Chris St. Paul

email: cjk863@yahoo.com

aliases: St. Paul Sidewinders, Minnesota Frostbite, By-Tor & the Snow Dogs

location: St.Paul, Minnesota

date joined: September 2007


Last Season - 3rd

2009 Baseball – 12th

2010-2011 Hockey – 7th
2009-2010 Hockey – 4th
2008-2009 Hockey – 3rd
2007-2008 Hockey – 10th

2010-2011 Basketball – 13th
2009-2010 Basketball – 2nd

2010 Football Midseason - 10th
2010 Football Season – 8th
2009 Football Season – 17th



4. Wailuku Warriors

manager: Div'er Down Dave

email: fastwillie.parker@yahoo.com

aliases: Wailuku Fowl Play, Manoa Morays, Manoa Menehune

location: Manoa, Hawaii

date joined: March 2009


Last Season - 4th

2009 Baseball – 6th

2010-2011 Hockey - 2nd
2009-2010 Hockey – 6th

2010 Football Midseason - 9th
2010 Football Season – 7th
2009 Football Season – 10th



5. Westfield Bomb Squad

manager: Hockey Guru

email: cbsbaseball2002@yahoo.com

aliases: Westfield Muff Divers, Clubhouse Chemistry, Cherry Blasts

location: Westfield, Massachusetts

date joined: September 2008


Last Season - 5th

2009 Baseball - 10th

2010-2011 Hockey - 3rd
2009-2010 Hockey – 5th
2008-2009 Hockey – 5th

2010 Football - 6th
2009 Football – 9th



6. Lockport Malt Liquor

manager: Buzz74

email: aaronverklan@yahoo.com

aliases: Colt 45


location: Buffalo, New York


date joined: October 2009


Last Season - 6th

2010-2011 Hockey - 17th

2010-2011 Basketball – 2nd
2009-2010 Basketball – 7th

2010 Football Midseason - 13th
2010 Football Season - 5th



7. Chesapeake Abyss

manager: Astropolis Tom

email: astropolisfantasy@yahoo.com

aliases: Chesapeake Juggernauts, Chesapeake Ming Vases

location: Chesapeake, Virginia

date joined: October 2008


Last Season - 7th

2009 Baseball – 3rd

2010 Football – Reigning League Champion

2009-2010 Basketball – 14th
2008-2009 Basketball – 2nd



8. Ravenswood Monkey Butts

manager: Pistol Pete

email: rosario_r_81@yahoo.com

aliases: Chi-town Bums

location: Ravenswood, Ontario

date joined: October 2009


Last Season - 8th

2010-2011 Basketball – 9th
2009-2010 Basketball – 9th

2010 Football – 2nd



9. Alameda Sluggin' Bastards

manager: Yatagon Dan

email: yatagon@hotmail.com

aliases: Alameda Rat Bastards, Alameda Evil Baldmen

location: Oakland, California

date joined: August 2008


Last Season - 9th

2010-2011 Hockey – 20th
2009-2010 Hockey – 2nd

2010 Football – 11th
2009 Football – 12th
2008 Football – 2nd



10. Sunnyvale Shithawks

manager: Will-He-M

email: habs_rock_100@hotmail.com

aliases: London Pigskin Picks, Sunnyvale Redemption


location: London, Ontario

date joined: September 2007


Last Season - 10th

2009 Baseball – 8th

2010-2011 Hockey - 12th
2009-2010 Hockey – 8th
2008-2009 Hockey – 8th
2007-2008 Hockey – 6th

2010-2011 Basketball - 10th
2009-2010 Basketball – 6th

2010 Football Midseason - 6th
2010 Football Season – 19th
2009 Football Season – 6th



11. Stittsville Two-Phors

manager: Spezzal Teams Playa

email: spezzalteamsplaya@gmail.com

aliases: Nepean Hotspurs, Tito "TD" O'Dell

location: Ottawa, Ontario

date joined: September 2007


Last Season - 11th

2009 Baseball – 11th

2010-2011 Hockey - 11th
2009-2010 Hockey – 10th
2008-2009 Hockey – 4th
2007-2008 Hockey – 9th

2010-2011 Basketball – 4th
2009-2010 Basketball – 10th
2008-2009 Basketball – 2009 League Champion

2010 Football Midseason - 2nd
2010 Football Season – 3rd
2009 Football Season – 14th
2008 Football Season – 10th



12. Franconia Wombats

manager: Dave Hoops

email: dhoops@charter.net

aliases: Herren Pils

location: Duluth, Minnesota

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - 12th

2010 Football - 15th



13. Connecticut Defenders

manager: Moonlighter Mark

email: pmoonlighter24@yahoo.com

aliases: Connecticut Galleons, Connecticut Oak Leafs

location: Norwich, Connecticut

date joined: March 2009


Last Season - 13th

2009 Baseball – 9th

2009-2010 Hockey – 7th

2010-2011 Basketball – 11th
2009-2010 Basketball – 12th

2009 Football – 8th



14. Deadwood Demons

manager: Ol’ Jim Hutton

email: jimhutton1@hotmail.com

aliases: Glory Guys

location: Deadwood, Texas

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - 14th

Football 2010 - 10th



16. Illinois Illicit

manager: Scott We Go

email: intothesun8@yahoo.com

aliases: St. Louis Birdmen, Halak Net Monsters

location: Collinsville, Illinois

date joined: March 2009


Last Season - 16th

2009 Baseball – 5th

2010-2011 Hockey - 18th
2009-2010 Hockey – 14th

2010-2011 Basketball – 14th
2009-2010 Basketball – 20th

2010 Football Midseason - 18th
2010 Football Season – 4th
2009 Football Season – 2nd



19. Dakota Magic

manager: Dakota Steve

email: hills@itcmilbank.com

aliases: Dakota Bulldogs, Dakota Flash, Eastside Slammers

location: Sioux Falls, South Dakota

date joined: October 2008


Last Season - 19th

2009 Baseball – 2nd

2009-2010 Basketball – 19th
2008-2009 Basketball – 7th

2010 Football Midseason – 8th
2010 Football Season – 20th
2009 Football Season – 11th



Da Pad Squad

manager: Brandon Greenz

email: greenzisgood@yahoo.com

aliases: Coronado Cougar Chasers, Santee Swashbucklers, Chargee du Fort Laife

location: San Diego, California

date joined: August 2010


Last Season - did not play (replacing Golden Carp)

2010 Football Midseason - 12th



Phoenix Fellatiators

manager: Phoenix

email: sdp70@rocketmail.com

location: Oia, Spain

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - did not play (replacing El Paso)



Three Penis Wine

manager: The Sports Dragon

email: ekportier@yahoo.com

aliases: Death By Snoo-Snoo, Worst Episode Ever, Good News Everybody

location: Portland, Oregon

date joined: October 2010


Last Season - did not play (replacing Koo Koo Roos)

2010-2011 Basketball – 8th



Ufa Dead Polar Bears

manager: Honest Ron

email: sandlotboyz@yahoo.com

aliases: Unlawful Entry, Uzbekistan Cotton Balls

location: Portland, Oregon

date joined: October 2010


Last Season - did not play (replacing Turtle's Tit Jobs)

2010-2011 Basketball – Reigning League Champion

Friday, March 18, 2011

Souvenir Game Program: Baseball Poach 'Em 2011



By Spezzal Teams Playa


Welcome, everybody. Please take your name tag and sign the guest book. The punch table is over there, and the buffet is along the back wall. I hope you all have fun and get to know your neighbours.

I have listed everyone in order of last year's Final Standings. You'll note that while most faces look familiar, there are six new General Managers: Cannes Abyss, Coronado, Glory Guys, Odessa, Phoenix and Unlawful Entry.



1. Westfield Big Sticks

manager: Hockey Guru

email: cbsbaseball2002@yahoo.com

aliases: Westfield Muff Divers, Clubhouse Chemistry, Cherry Blasts

location: Westfield, Massachusetts

date joined: September 2008


Last Season - Reigning League Champion

2009 Baseball - 10th

2010-2011 Hockey - 3rd
2009-2010 Hockey – 5th
2008-2009 Hockey – 5th

2010 Football - 6th
2009 Football – 9th




4. Lockport Malt Liquor

manager: Buzz74

email: aaronverklan@yahoo.com

aliases: Colt 45


location: Buffalo, New York


date joined: October 2009


Last Season - 4th

2010-2011 Hockey - 17th

2010-2011 Basketball – 2nd
2009-2010 Basketball – 7th

2010 Football Midseason - 13th
2010 Football Season - 5th




5. St. Paul Sidewinders

manager: Chris St. Paul

email: cjk863@yahoo.com

aliases: St. Paul Hell Lions, Minnesota Frostbite, By-Tor & the Snow Dogs

location: St.Paul, Minnesota

date joined: September 2007


Last Season - 5th

2009 Baseball – 12th

2010-2011 Hockey – 7th
2009-2010 Hockey – 4th
2008-2009 Hockey – 3rd
2007-2008 Hockey – 10th

2010-2011 Basketball – 13th
2009-2010 Basketball – 2nd

2010 Football Midseason - 10th
2010 Football Season – 8th
2009 Football Season – 17th




7. Death By Snoo-Snoo

manager: The Sports Dragon

email: ekportier@yahoo.com

aliases: Good News Everybody, Worst Episode Ever, Three Penis Wine

location: Portland, Oregon

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - 7th

2010-2011 Basketball – 8th




9. Stittsville Three-Peats

manager: Spezzal Teams Playa

email: spezzalteamsplaya@gmail.com

aliases: Nepean Hotspurs, Tito "TD" O'Dell

location: Ottawa, Ontario

date joined: September 2007


Last Season - 9th

2009 Baseball – 11th

2010-2011 Hockey - 11th
2009-2010 Hockey – 10th
2008-2009 Hockey – 4th
2007-2008 Hockey – 9th

2010-2011 Basketball – 4th
2009-2010 Basketball – 10th
2008-2009 Basketball – 2009 League Champion

2010 Football Midseason - 2nd
2010 Football Season – 3rd
2009 Football Season – 14th
2008 Football Season – 10th




10. Perrysburg Pain

manager: Big Storm

email: lonnitschke@hotmail.com

aliases: Perrysburg Polliwog, Perrysburg Phreakz

location: Perrysburg, Ohio

date joined: March 2009


Last Season - 10th

2009 Baseball – 16th

2010-2011 Hockey – 4th
2009-2010 Hockey – 18th

2010 Football - 12th




11. Sunnyvale Shithawks

manager: Will-He-M

email: habs_rock_100@hotmail.com

aliases: London Pigskin Picks, Sunnyvale Redemption


location: London, Ontario

date joined: September 2007


Last Season - 11th

2009 Baseball – 8th

2010-2011 Hockey - 12th
2009-2010 Hockey – 8th
2008-2009 Hockey – 8th
2007-2008 Hockey – 6th

2010-2011 Basketball - 10th
2009-2010 Basketball – 6th

2010 Football Midseason - 6th
2010 Football Season – 19th
2009 Football Season – 6th




12. Jayhawk Girls Asses

manager: Farmer Craig

email: craigfarmer16@yahoo.com

aliases: Sloan's Epic Ass, Vinny Chase's Sluts, Turtle's Tit Jobs

location: Jayhawk, California

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - 12th




13. Wailuku Fowl Play

manager: Div'er Down Dave

email: fastwillie.parker@yahoo.com

aliases: Wailuku Warriors, Manoa Morays, Manoa Menehune

location: Manoa, Hawaii

date joined: March 2009


Last Season - 13th

2009 Baseball – 6th

2010-2011 Hockey - 2nd
2009-2010 Hockey – 6th

2010 Football Midseason - 9th
2010 Football Season – 7th
2009 Football Season – 10th




15. Ravenswood Monkey Butts

manager: Pistol Pete

email: rosario_r_81@yahoo.com

aliases: Chi-town Bums

location: Ravenswood, Ontario

date joined: October 2009


Last Season - 15th

2010-2011 Basketball – 9th
2009-2010 Basketball – 9th

2010 Football – 2nd




17. Illinois Illicit

manager: Scott We Go

email: intothesun8@yahoo.com

aliases: SDL Try-Agains, St. Louis Birdmen, Halak Net Monsters

location: Collinsville, Illinois

date joined: March 2009


Last Season - 17th

2009 Baseball – 5th

2010-2011 Hockey - 18th
2009-2010 Hockey – 14th

2010-2011 Basketball – 14th
2009-2010 Basketball – 20th

2010 Football Midseason - 18th
2010 Football Season – 4th
2009 Football Season – 2nd




18. Dakota Magic

manager: Dakota Steve

email: hills@itcmilbank.com

aliases: Dakota Bulldogs, Dakota Flash, Eastside Slammers

location: Sioux Falls, South Dakota

date joined: October 2008


Last Season - 18th

2009 Baseball – 2nd

2009-2010 Basketball – 19th
2008-2009 Basketball – 7th

2010 Football Midseason – 8th
2010 Football Season – 20th
2009 Football Season – 11th




19. Mesilla Jazz

manager: Juice

email: ezdickpimpshit@yahoo.com

aliases: Wofford, El Paso Sauce, El Paso Jackasses, El Paso Marlboros, El Paso Lizard Brothers

location: Mesilla, New Mexico

date joined: August 2009


Last Season - 19th

2009-2010 Hockey – 9th

2010 Football - 17th
2009 Football – 5th




20. Lemonade Tea

manager: Matt K

email: nhslb57@yahoo.com

location: Latrobe, Pennsylvania

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - 20th




Cannes Abyss

manager: Astropolis Tom

email: astropolisfantasy@yahoo.com

aliases: Chesapeake Juggernauts, Chesapeake Ming Vases

location: Chesapeake, Virginia

date joined: October 2008


Last Season - did not play (replacing DMD)

2009 Baseball – 3rd

2010 Football – Reigning League Champion

2009-2010 Basketball – 14th
2008-2009 Basketball – 2nd




Coronado Cougar Chasers

manager: Brandon Greenz

email: greenzisgood@yahoo.com

aliases: Santee Swashbucklers, Da Pad Squad, Chargee du Fort Laife

location: San Diego, California

date joined: August 2010


Last Season - did not play (replacing Great Lakes Loons)

2010 Football Midseason - 12th





Glory Guys

manager: Ol’ Jim Hutton

email: jimhutton1@hotmail.com

aliases: Deadwood Demons

location: Deadwood, Texas

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - did not play (replacing Memphis Redbirds)

Football 2010 - 10th




Odessa Isle Wind

manager: Gary “Ace” Ventura

email: aventuraexisle@yahoo.com

aliases: Silver Sluggers, Odessa Ex-Isles, Odessa Snow Jobs


location: Odessa, Florida


date joined: September 2009


Last Season - did not play (replacing Midway Xcalibers)

2010-2011 Hockey - 6th
2009-2010 Hockey - 3rd

2010 Football Midseason - 7th
2010 Football Season - 18th




Phoenix Fellatiators

manager: Phoenix

email: sdp70@rocketmail.com

location: Oia, Spain

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - did not play (replacing Scott's Mid-Yanks)




Unlawful Entry

manager: Honest Ron

email: sandlotboyz@yahoo.com

aliases: Unlawful Entry, Uzbekistan Cotton Balls

location: Portland, Oregon

date joined: October 2010


Last Season - did not play (replacing Vegas)

2010-2011 Basketball – Reigning League Champion