Souvenir Game Program: Hockey Midseason 2010-11

By Spezzal Teams Playa

Welcome, everybody. Please take your name tag and sign the guest book. The punch table is over there, and the buffet is along the back wall. I hope you all have fun and get to know your neighbours.

I have listed everyone in order of their seniority within the Sports Talk Pool. You'll note that while half the faces are back from last month's hockey league, the other nine faces are Sports Talk Pool rookies.

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Stittsville Two Point-0

manager: Spezzal Teams Playa

email: spezzalteamsplaya@gmail.com

aliases: Nepean Hotspurs, Tito "TD" O'Dell, Ottawa Roughwaivers

location: Ottawa, Ontario

2010-2011 Hockey - 1st-place
2009-2010 Hockey – 10th-place
2008-2009 Hockey – 4th-place
2007-2008 Hockey – 9th-place

2010 Baseball - 11th-place
2009 Baseball – 11th-place

2009-2010 Basketball – 10th-place
2008-2009 Basketball – 1st-place

2009 Football – 14th-place
2008 Football – 10th-place


Plano Flames

manager: Texas Mike

email: planohockey@yahoo.com

aliases: Plano Pucks

location: Plano, Texas

2010-2011 Hockey - 7th-place
2009-2010 Hockey – Defending Champion
2008-2009 Hockey - 2nd-place
2007-2008 Hockey - 3rd-place



Sunnyvale Shithawks

manager: Will-He-M

email: habs_rock_100@hotmail.com

alias: Toronto Euros, London Pigskin Picks

location: London, Ontario

2010-2011 Hockey - 13th-place
2009-2010 Hockey – 8th-place
2008-2009 Hockey – 8th-place
2007-2008 Hockey – 6th-place

2010 Baseball - 10th-place
2009 Baseball – 8th-place

2009-2010 Basketball – 6th-place

2009 Football – 6th-place


Cherry Midblasts

manager: Hockey Guru

email: cbsbaseball2002@yahoo.com

aliases: Muff Divers, Clubhouse Chemistry, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em

location: Worcester, Massachusetts

2010-2011 Hockey - 5th-place
2009-2010 Hockey – 5th-place
2008-2009 Hockey – 5th-place

2009 Football – 9th-place


Manoa Menehune

manager: Div'er Down Dave

email: fastwillie.parker@yahoo.com

alias: Fowl Play

location: Manoa, Hawaii

2010-2011 Hockey - 3rd-place
2009-2010 Hockey – 6th-place

2010 Baseball - 4th-place
2009 Baseball – 6th-place

2009 Football – 10th-place


STL Halak Net Monsters

manager: Scott We Go

email: intothesun8@yahoo.com

aliases: STL Young Guns, STL Birdmen, STL Spirit, Billy Stevens

location: St.Louis, Missouri

2010-2011 Hockey - 19th-place
2009-2010 Hockey – 14th-place

2010 Baseball - 16th-place
2009 Baseball – 5th-place

2009-2010 Basketball – 20th-place

2009 Football – 2nd-place


Chairman Wang's Isles

manager: Gary “Ace” Ventura

email: aventuraexisle@yahoo.com

alias: Snow Jobs, Ex-Isles, Isle Wynn, Ice Landers

location: Miami, Florida

2010-2011 Hockey - 11th-place
2009-2010 Hockey - 3rd-place

2010 Baseball - 2nd-place


Colt 45 Malt Liquor

manager: Buzz74

email: aaronverklan@yahoo.com

location: Buffalo, New York

2010-2011 Hockey - 16th-place

2010 Baseball - 6th-place

2009-2010 Basketball – 7th-place


Scuba Steve

manager: Sammy Dave Jr.

email: shadak101@yahoo.ca

alias: Movin' On Up

location: Queens, New York

2010-2011 Hockey - 18th-place


Buffalo Wild Wings

manager: Real Tie Domi

email: hidden@ddress.com

location: Buffalo, New York


Elderberry Drillers

manager: Baron Von Exelskank of Elderberry

email: hidden@ddress.com

location: Elderberry, New York


Kings Devils

manager: RocknRolla

email: hidden@ddress.com

location: Kings, California


Nucker Z's

manager: Exizzle

email: mike_wong92@yahoo.ca

location: Nucker, Virginia


RED Raiders

manager: Syj

email: syjbenchwarmer@yahoo.com

location: Redfern-Eveleigh-Darlington, Australia


Santa Claus Midgets

manager: Jon Wayne

email: jonwayne40@yahoo.com

location: St. Louis, Missouri


Seven Skaters

manager: Gordon Camper

email: gordoncamper@yahoo.ca

location: Seven, Madagascar


State College Stumps

manager: Warrior Sam

email: warrior35sam@yahoo.com

location: State College, Pennsylvania


Jamaica Bacon

manager: Kyle Moy

email: kylemoy@comcast.net

location: Kingston, Jamaica

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Vidi Vici: How I Learned to Stop Wor...Wait What?

By Spezzal Teams Playa


I started writing that title before coming to the realization that:

a) it was going to end up being far too long, and

b) the truth is that I have never stopped worrying and that I will always hate Yahoo


In case you're wondering just what Yahoo did to piss me off this time, check out the results from my Week 7 game in the football league. On Monday night, hours after the end of the Giants/Cowboys game, I noticed that my opponent's DE Justin Tuck had been credited with a Fumble Recovery, which I had witnessed was the result of a Sack/Forced Fumble by my man Barry Cofield. The thing is, Cofield had only been credited with his first Forced Fumble of the game, and not the one that led to Tuck's recovery.

I know that Yahoo is sometimes slow entering in the data (which they seem to do with the automation of a 1950s secretarial pool), but I found it strange that Tuck's part in that 4th quarter play had already been entered, yet Cofield's had not.

Earlier in the day, before the game began, I had predicted a victory for my team, despite being down by almost 3 points, and despite Tuck being projected to outscore Cofield by 7 more that night. These were the only two players in our Matchup who were playing that night. I believe my exact words that evening were, "In the battle for supremecy within the Giants own D-Line, expect to see Cofield out-tackle Tuck by 3 to secure my victory".

Anyway, getting back to the post-game show, I griped about Cofield's missing stats, stating:

"This is a bunch of bullshit right here, is what this shit is. How the fuck does Tuck get to recover a fumble unless Cofield doesn't force that fumble? Not only did I not get that forced fumble, but what else? No sack on that play either? Bullshit, is what that is. And nevermind the fact that Tuck's fat ass got in the way of Cofield recovering his own forced fumble, like a greedy bastard. What's the matter, Tuck? Couldn't take being upstaged by a DT?"

I was speaking mostly tongue-in-cheek, having already cautioned London earlier in the season about putting too much stock in Yahoo's early results that are never "finalized" until the next morning.

I felt the need to put the word finalized in air quotes there because I recently found out that it's not even over when the fat lady sings, exits stage left, get changed into her street clothes, heads over to the all night diner for a late supper, goes home, eats again, goes to bed, wakes up, eats some more, and spends the next few days eating and sleeping. Apparently at Yahoo, it's not over until three days after the fat lady sings.

So fast-forward to Wednesday morning, and my (6-1) team sits in 3rd place, giving me the 18th waiver priority. Before my turn comes up, a whole whack of guys get plucked by the teams "below" me in the standings, including:

• TE Donald Lee
  
• WR Arrelious Benn
  
• WR Brian Robiskie
  
• LB Na'il Diggs
  
• RB Sammy Morris
  

Now I didn't have a pressing need for a WR, nor did I really intend to take a RB, but the truth is that I did put in claims on all three of those players, which makes them slightly different than QB Jon Kitna, who also got picked up in the first wave, between the time the 9th-place team picked and my so-called 3rd-place team picked.

And I may as well have also not even brought up Na'il Diggs because the fact is that, had I been allowed to pick in front of the then 9th-place Colt45 Malt Liquors, my top choice this week was Donald Lee, since my own Tight End was facing his bye.

Anyway, I got my second choice, which was TE Jonathan Stupar - a huge step down from Lee, but someone to plug into my empty TE slot. Had I been allowed to claim Lee in stead of Stupar, then who knows how the rest of the waiver claims would have shaken out. One would assume that Minnesota Snot Bombs would have been stuck with someone as shitty as Stupar, but we'll never know.

So after claiming Stupar, the waiver wheel turned round a few more times, before I got stuck with a Kicker upgrade with my second pick. Those who know my style could attest that upgrading my Kicker would have been my least important waiver move, and the fact that I would soon make three more drops out of RB Julius Jones, QB Matt Moore, and WR Bernard Berrian would seem to confirm that I had been denied at least three waiver claims because of my low priority. By the time Yahoo gave me my least important Kicker upgrade, I had missed out on:

• LB Gary Brackett
  
• RB Vonta Leach
  
• TE Brodie Eldridge
  
• and later, CB Rashean Mathis
  

In the end, I figure that I got screwed out of a quality Tight End, a quality Linebacker, and had I been allowed to drop my Kicker for Brackett, my a 15th waiver priority by the end of Wednesday morning's claims (I ended up 18th, after my kicker was still around to drop for a new kicker).

I then used my undropped players to pick up a Safety, a lesser Linebacker, and a lesser Wideout, who were not even good enough to put in a claim for, the day before.

So all of this happened as a result of Yahoo having called me the 3rd-place team on Monday night, all day Tuesday, and Wednesday morning. It wasn't until Thursday morning that they decided that I was, in fact, the 9th-place team. And that brings me back to the first reason I realized that I still worry that I will always hate Yahoo.



As you can see in the photo above, Cofield (96) is in the process of completing his Sack by the time Tuck (91) arrives on the scene, while freakish specimen, Jason Pierre-Paul (90) looks on, contributing about as much to the play as Tuck has, at this point.

The key phrase here being at this point.

About two seconds later, Tuck would pounce on the loose ball, as is his custom whenever a guy like Cofield is on the ground after making the real play.

But getting back to the snapshot in time that was captured in the above photo, clearly Jon Kitna has already fumbled the ball, Cofield's right arm is still on Kitna's waist, and Tuck's right arm is still down, well behind Cofield's.

The NFL, being the fascists that they are, will not allow me to embed their videos, and the slow-motion replay in this clip is cut off anyway, but it's still as clear to me now as it was on Monday night - Cofield knocked the ball loose.

You can see, even in the caption below the video, that Cofield is credited with the Sack as well as the fumble. The only thing Tuck was given, was the Fumble Recovery (i.e. the glorified spoils of Cofield's play).

Yahoo obviously hears way too many complaints about these types of things, so contacting them was probably pointless. Given their spotty record on clearly defining their own rules (i.e. tie-break procedures), I suppose that this explanation is as clear as it's going to get.

[Update: Yahoo must have heard my cries, because they have now conveniently placed a link on our league page, to the exact page I linked to, above. You can find it right next to where their ever-so-lame You Have Been Awarded A Medal For Making A Comment feature used to be, or where they place the tutorials for newbies, like how to calculate +/- in hockey]

My final decision is that the NFL seems to have ruled that Tuck forced the fumble *cough*Bullshit*cough*, and therefore my Week 7 victory should actually be a loss. The fact that the delay in reporting the error cost me Donald Lee and Gary Brackett sucks. The fact that I was only eight Week 3 points away from a perfect season last night, but now find myself out of the playoffs also sucks, but whaddya gonna do?

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Souvenir Game Program: Hoops League 2010-2011

By Spezzal Teams Playa


Welcome, everybody. Please take your name tag and sign the guest book. The punch table is over there, and the buffet is along the back wall. I hope you all have fun and get to know your neighbours.

I have listed everyone in order of their seniority within the Sports Talk Pool. You'll note that while some faces are new, there are actually 18 STP veterans among us.

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Stittsville Two-Phors

manager: Spezzal Teams Playa

email: spezzalteamsplaya@gmail.com

aliases: Tito "TD" O'Dell, Nepean Hotspurs

location: Ottawa, Ontario

2009-2010 Basketball – 10th-place
2008-2009 Basketball – Champion

2010 Football – 6th-place
2010 Football (midseason) – 1st-place
2009 Football – 14th-place
2008 Football – 10th-place

2010 Baseball - 11th-place
2010 Baseball (midseason) - 9th-place
2009 Baseball – 11th-place

2009-2010 Hockey – 10th-place
2008-2009 Hockey – 4th-place
2007-2008 Hockey – 9th-place


MN Sham Flunkers

manager: Minnesota Chris

email: cjk863@yahoo.com

aliases: Minnesota Frostbite, Minnesota Snot Bombs, MN Limelighters, Hell Lions, MN Sidewinders, By-Tor and the Snowdogs

location: St.Paul, Minnesota

2009-2010 Basketball – 2nd-place

2010 Football – 9th-place
2010 Football (midseason) – 11th-place
2009 Football – 17th-place

2010 Baseball - 3rd-place
2010 Baseball (midseason) - 5th-place
2009 Baseball – 12th-place

2009-2010 Hockey – 4th-place
2008-2009 Hockey – 3rd-place
2007-2008 Hockey – 10th-place


Sunnyvale Shithawks

manager: Will-He-M

email: habs_rock_100@hotmail.com

alias: Toronto Euros, London Pigskin Picks

location: London, Ontario

2009-2010 Basketball – 6th-place

2010 Football – 19th-place
2010 Football (midseason) – 14th-place
2009 Football – 6th-place

2010 Baseball - 10th-place
2010 Baseball (midseason) - 11th-place
2009 Baseball – 8th-place

2009-2010 Hockey – 8th-place
2008-2009 Hockey – 8th-place
2007-2008 Hockey – 6th-place


Michael Jordan

manager: Mex Francisco

email: uncmex@yahoo.com

alias: UNC

location: Chapel Hill, North Carolina

2010 Football – 14th-place
2009 Football – Defending League Champion
2008 Football – 9th-place


DMD

manager: San Frandavid

email: dmdcaf@att.net

location: San Francisco, California

2009-2010 Basketball – 4th-place
2008-2009 Basketball – 5th-place

2010 Baseball (midseason) – Defending League Champion


Cleveland Bronsucks

manager: Trader Dick

email: krb1keeper@yahoo.com

aliases: Cleveland Keepers, Great Lakes Loons

location: Cleveland, Ohio

2009-2010 Basketball - 18th-place
2008-2009 Basketball - 3rd-place

2010 Football – 13th-place
2009 Football - 18th-place

2010 Baseball (midseason) - 14th-place
2009 Baseball – Champion


Red Claws

manager: Moonlighter Mark

email: pmoonlighter24@yahoo.com

aliases: CT Blue Devils, CT Defenders, CT Oak Leafs, CT Darkstar Dragons

location: Norwich, Connecticut

2009-2010 Basketball – 12th-place

2009 Football – 8th-place

2009 Baseball – 9th-place

2009-2010 Hockey – 7th-place


STL Spirits

manager: Scott We Go

email: intothesun8@yahoo.com

aliases: STL Birdmen, STL Rams, STL Try-Agains

location: St.Louis, Missouri

2009-2010 Basketball – 20th-place

2010 Football – 8th-place
2010 Football (midseason) – 17th-place
2009 Football – 2nd-place

2010 Baseball - 16th-place
2010 Baseball (midseason) - 17th-place
2010 Baseball - 17th-place
2009 Baseball – 5th-place

2009-2010 Hockey – 14th-place


Young Guns

manager: Lil' Kuzzin Matt

email: lilkuz232@yahoo.com

location: Young, Texas

2009-2010 Basketball – Defending League Champion


Golden Carp

manager: Mister McG

email: jerroldmcgrath@yahoo.com

location: Banff, Alberta

2009-2010 Basketball – 3rd-place

2010 Baseball - 15th-place


Colt 45 Malt Liquor

manager: Buzz74

email: aaronverklan@yahoo.com

location: Buffalo, New York

2009-2010 Basketball – 7th-place

2010 Football – 3rd-place
2010 Football (midseason) – 8th-place

2010 Baseball - 6th-place
2010 Baseball (midseason) - 4th-place


Fat Monkey Butz

manager: Pistol Pete

email: rosario_r_81@yahoo.com

location: Stockton, California

2009-2010 Basketball – 9th-place

2010 Football – 7th-place

2010 Baseball - 8th-place


Assassins

manager: Infernal Dante

email: dante.brown01@gmail.com

location: Florence, Italy

2009-2010 Basketball – 13th-place



Tulsa

manager: Y3K

email: rw3k2003@yahoo.com

location: Tulsa, Oklahoma

2009-2010 Basketball – 17th-place


Worst Episode Ever

manager: The Sports Dragon

email: ekportier@yahoo.com

alias: Good News Everyone

location: Portland, Oregon

2010 Baseball (midseason) - 7th-place


San Diego Ballers

manager: The Cleveland Viking

email: vikings2167@yahoo.com

location: Cleveland, Ohio

alias: King of the Hillis

2010 Football (midseason) – 2nd-place


Rosterbation

manager: ERA Erik

email: erakian34@aol.com

alias: Silky Johnson

location: Kansas City, Kansas

2010 Football (midseason) – 3rd-place


Uzbekistan Cotton Balls

manager: Honest Ron

email: sandlotboyz@yahoo.com

location: Portland, Oregon


Sphinx

manager: Half Alex

email: alexhalvo@yahoo.com

location: Giza, Egypt


Placeholder

manager: Sens Say

email: hidden@ddress.com

location: Ottawa, Ontario

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The Top Ten List: Hockey Wives and Girlfriends

By Chris Barrymore


Assuming this works, I am honored to present my first post here (not counting all those other ones that the Commish helped me out with), as The Top Ten Hockey Wives and Girlfriends. This is where you should start ooohing and aaahing, for practice (if nothing else), at the forthcoming information.

Upon doing some additional research on this topic, I found that it was not quite as unique of an idea as I had first thought it to be. Even so, I am still going to proceed and post because, quite frankly, I've got nothing better to do at the moment.

Disclaimer #1: On the one-in-a-million chance that any one of the actual players happen upon this blog and takes offense that their past or current hotties are included here (yes, I'm talking to you, Tie Domi), please know that this is done as an act of respect and reverence. I am not asking for a beatdown of any kind. Essentially, it is one guy saying to another, "Well done, sir. Very well done".

Disclaimer #2: Because I do not have any photographs of wives, fiancees, or girlfriends who do not already have pseudo-celebrity status, this list is limited to those whose pics are easily obtained via web search. If I did have photographic evidence of the non-celebrities of this group, then I am positive the list would be completely different. I have no doubt that there are probably some true angels out there in hockeyland, and if they have to work outside the home then they may have chosen a profession that doesn't lend itself to having one's photo bouncing around all over the internet.

Without further delay, here they are. (If you have a drum, please start rolling it now)

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10. Janet Jones (Wayne Gretzky) - because no Top Ten List would be complete without the Great One, we present his Janet Jones. Proof that he wasn't scoring only on the ice.

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9. Emma Andersson (Henrik Zetterberg) – this Swedish television presenter, actress, and singer is currently engaged to the Red Wings center.



[Editor's Note: sorry fellas, but Hank liked it and put a ring on it over the summer.]

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8. Rachel Hunter (ex-fiancee of Jarret Stoll) - perhaps the Queen of the Cougars, Hunter (41) and Stoll (28) were engaged up until the point when Stoll emailed the wedding guests, two months before the wedding date of June 23rd, that the wedding was off. What the hell is wrong with him?

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7. Amanda Vanderpool (Ladislav Smid) – this model from Beverly Hills was an Ice Girl for the Anaheim Ducks and has also played for the L.A. Temptation of the Lingerie Football League.

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6. Gena Lee Nolin (Cale Hulse) – I remember watching Gena Lee on The Price is Right as one of Barker’s Beauties. You isn’t kiddin, Bob.

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5. Willa Ford (Mike Modano) – occupations include singer, songwriter, dancer, record producer, presenter, and actress. That beats my resume by a mile, to be honest.

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4. Hilary Duff (Mike Comrie) – another high profile relationship, it was announced in Feb 2010 that they were engaged. Maybe it is something in the water in Ottawa? (Fisher still plays there, Comrie played there in 06/07 and 08/09)




[Editor's Note: Once again fellas, you weren't quick enough. Another one off the market this summer.]

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3. Kelly Carlson (Tie Domi) - the star of Nip/Tuck has been involved with the pugilistic Tie Domi for over two years. Proof that love truly is blind.

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2. Carrie Underwood (Mike Fisher) – originally meeting at Underwood’s concert in Ottawa, they became engaged in December 2009 and are currently the model for country singer/hockey player relationships in the NHL.



[Editor's Note: I know, I know, you're sick of my face already, what with my constant reminders that these women are now officially out of your reach (like they weren't, even before the nuptuals)]

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1. Elisha Cuthbert (Dion Phaneuf) - formerly involved with the always classy and tactful Sean Avery, Elisha’s name was dragged through the mud when Avery used a term describing the Cuthbert/Phaneuf relationship that got him suspended for six games by the Commish (Bettman, not Spezzal Teams Playa, although I am sure that Spezzal would have done the same thing). Must see Cuthbert film: The Girl Next Door (2004).

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