By Hockey Guru
Tonight!
I paraphrase the famous ten year old question, and put it to a 40-year old veteran: will the real John Smoltz please stand up?
Or Hell, sit down? Or just lay there? Whatever you did before your last game, when the Cards benefitted from your greatness.
Then!
I'll welcome Sierra Menace into the fold. As long as this guy streams his players more than Plano, I'm certain we'll get along.
Finally!
My guest tonight in the studio will be Dany Heatley.
I'll ask him not what he can do for the league, but what the league can do for him. Tonight ... on the Guru Report!
Welcome Nation. I know it's still only Olympic evaluation Camp time, and that hockey season doesn't even kick into first gear for another few couple of weeks, so I'll remember to include some more non-hockey material in tonight's episode. First up, it's Hockey Guru's segment called, "Balls ... for kids (of all ages)!"
Eager to have a top-of-the-rotation arm, particularly one pitching for the Red Sox, I drafted John Smoltz in several leagues this Spring.His return has been ... shall we say ... less that stellar?
Even when he's getting outs, it feels like it is being done through smoke and mirrors. Why does age have to impact pitchers? Why did Ulf Samuelson's knee have to ruin Cam Neely's career? And why can't I drink and avoid hangovers anymore?
In late July, after Week 16 had ended, the Guru transformed into his alter-ego, Clubber Lang. Witnessing yet another bad week from my man Smoltz seemed to set me off. I responded to the Commish's Week 16 Awards™ with my own recap:
"I pity the fools that performed so poorly in Week 16 that it caused me pain - so much pain that this list is limited to one fool...
John Smoltz
There was more scoring off you this past week, John Smoltz, than there was off Paris Hilton - and don't forget it was Fleet week, fool!
You say you bad? You ain't so bad. You a chump.
All your records and history is made up against creampuff National League opponents, fool.
Now go score yourself some of that HGH - I got plenty of the stuff in Clubber Lang's Laboratory. C'mon fool, you part of the chemistry team, now ..."
Moving on!
We here at the Clubhouse would like to take this opportunity to welcome Sierra Menace to the league. It's always great to see the Yankees rebranded and run outta New York, even if they were a 20th place team this season.
Sierra was joined soon after by another expansion owner, Gloucester Expos, who took over the unfortunately named Gobble Gobble Gobble team.
So to help acclimate them to their new surroundings, the Guru has a few things that you both should know...
- TRADER DICK ISN'T YELLING WHEN HE POSTS IN ALL CAPS, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
- Billy Bradski is probably not the real Jesus - no miracles have been performed by him to date. Perhaps he is employing his avatar in the hope that we bow down before him and let him win?
- On your first day, you've already posted more Season-to-date messages than half the league. I apparently missed the memo about the rule that this is supposed to be the OttawaHockeyLeague Library Edition
- Never disrespect Aaron Hill - it is critical that his value in this league does not get questioned. That issue has the potential to shut the league down, entirely
Anyway, it's great to see someone who can give the Commish a run for his money in the Total Transactions department. Unfortunately for Nepean, he forgot to include that column as a scoring category, which is why he'll never see the Top Ten.
Moving on!
My guest tonight is none other than Ottawa Senators forward, Dany Heatley. Let's give him a hand, Nation - Dany Heatley!!
...
[silence]
...
[*crickets, crickets*]
...
Ummmm, you there STP? Our producer, Spezzal Teams Playa in the booth, everyone ... STP, you there? What's going on? Where's tonight's guest?
He what?!? Just because we took him out of the first segment and replaced him with that John Smoltz piece?
Did you explain to him that he's still an important component of the show? Or that he is guaranteed more than one-third of the air-time AND he is playing the third act, aka the powerplay segment of the show?
And he still won't join us? I don't get it ...
What's that? He was booked to go on The Nightly Show with Plano Flames, then quickly cancelled his appearance in Alberta as well? What a turd. Do we have any video of that? Roll it:
You know what? Screw him. We'll do this segment without him, and probably have better chemistry to boot.
Ladies and gentlemen, Nation, it’s time for the formation of the DHL – the Dany Heatley League. There’s no room for him in the NHL anymore. In fact, the DHL doesn’t need to be limited to hockey players only – it can be a league for all athletes that are simply entitled to everything.
Society has moved so far away from accountability it’s ridiculous. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time nor probably the last time we see this garbage take place.
The outrage, disappointment and utter contempt this creates among fans is like seeing Santa Claus steal your flat screen TV. It’s something that just shouldn’t happen. It’s just plain wrong. Unfortunately, fans will root for him again. He will be loved again – not because of who he is – but merely because of the sweater he’ll pull over his shoulder pads.
His legacy is tarnished forever. He can’t un-ring that bell. Hopefully he’ll never land in the Hall of Fame (if his numbers even end up supporting his case), because voters and fans simply won’t want to honour somebody that brought dishonour to the sport.
Having the talent and opportunity to play professional sports is something that 99% of society can never fully understand. However, that 99% of society spends absurd amounts of money which gets channeled into the pockets of those gifted few.
Dany Heatley capitalized on his skills and abilities and chose to sign a 6-year $45 million dollar contract with Ottawa and required a no movement clause in that contract.
When you sign a contract like that, both you and the team lose the right to move on.
In his August 21st press conference, he claimed that he requested a trade because he felt his role had been reduced in Ottawa. Awwww, poor baby. It's an embarrassment to him, his agent and his parents that he wasn't raised to understand the importance of accountability and responsibility.
He’s guaranteed the money, but you can’t be guaranteed the ice time. That is earned. If you don’t like your role, then bust your ass and improve your role. Dany reduced his own role ever since separating his shoulder against Detroit in December 2007. Since that time, he plays mostly on the periphery looking for the big wind-up slapshot.
If he wanted out of Ottawa, he should have offered to have Ottawa tear up the contract. (Not that that would have been legal in today's NHL, unlike when Daniel Alfredsson cancelled his last contract). At the very least, let Ottawa trade his rights to whichever team makes the best offer. He’s not a free agent and shouldn’t control the process. On the open market he wouldn’t even sniff the contract he is currently paid under.
Now he wants to be given a role that may not be deserved?
Meet me over on camera 3, Mr. Heatley.
Okay, you listening Dany? If you truly love the fans of Ottawa and the city of Ottawa, then bust your ass and earn the role you want to have. Earn your contract. Become an MVP candidate.
Given his life's experiences so far, he shouldn’t be feeling sorry for himself. Rather he should be thanking his lucky stars that he continues to have the opportunities he has, and he should never have requested the trade in the first place.
At this point, there probably aren’t too many NHL teams that really want to bring in an overpaid star that wants his role given to him rather than earning his ice time. It’s the wrong message for an organization to send its players, its’ the wrong message for the league and it’s the wrong message for sports.
The Guru says trade him to the KHL so he can play with his apparent mentor - Alexei Yashin. Or better yet, create the DHL and simply let him go away and rot.
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