By Hockey Guru
"Tonight!"
Earlier this summer, in a stunning move, the Atlanta Braves released baseball's winningest pitcher, just when he was ready to return to the big leagues.
I'll find out if the recession has hit Ted Turner, or if he's just being as cheap as Jane Fonda says he is.
Then!
I'll break with baseball tradition and speak openly about that of which we dare not speak.
Finally! I'll recap the standings from our playoff hockey pool. Mmmm....there's nothing like fresh hockey scores in August. Tonight....on the Guru Report....
Welcome, welcome Nation. I trust all nine of you have enjoyed your summers. Here at the Clubhouse, we've taken a few months off to try our hand at baseball, and I just want to say one thing off the top.
Baseball is the best because you never spill your beer no matter how crazy the play is. The annual dry cleaning bill for my fishsticks jersey is enough to send Mr. Lam's daughter to university in Ottawa, so it's nice to be able to sit back and watch a relaxing ball game and get less beer on me, than in me.
But then I remembered that you can't be angry while you're relaxed....unless, of course, you're Charles Bronson. I tried several times, but no dice. So I went to the closet, pulled out my vintage Clark Gillies sweater and got my game face on....well, at first I had to wear my wife's exfoliating mask, cuz after a few months I couldn't remember where my game face was. But then I found it, so it was cool.
Just in time, too, cuz it was NOT cool the way the Braves were treating a legend.
The 43-year-old Glavine, who was coming back from shoulder and elbow surgery, threw six scoreless innings for Class A Rome on a Tuesday night in June and proclaimed himself ready to pitch in the majors again. Instead, the Braves cut him immediately. Just another move that figures to draw the ire of Atlanta fans after the team failed to re-sign John Smoltz during the offseason. Glavine was the winningest active pitcher in the majors with a record of 305-203. The move could be based on financial considerations. Glavine's $3.5 million deal, signed after the start of spring training, included a $1 million bonus when he was placed on the active roster and $1.25 million each for 30 and 90 days on the active roster.Sounds to me like somebody's paying some extra-high alimony to ol' Hanoi Jane.
Moving on.Something I noticed this summer on more than one occasion - the MLB Network has, more than once, cut in live to games that are progressing as no-hitters. In the studio, however, there is no avoidance of the phrase "no hitter", which has always been the tradition in the past.
In early June, ESPN sent out text messages alerting people that Beckett had a no-hitter going into the seventh. Dennis Eckersley, on the Red Sox own broadcast, must have said "no-hitter" fifty times.
So of course, in the bottom of the seventh Beckett loses the no-hit bid - and to the guy who Eckersley had repeatedly claimed that Beckett just plain owned. Eck assured us that Curtis Granderson would be an easy strikeout.
I don't think those mentions of a no-hitter or the alerts were the reason the no-hitter was broken up - but I do like the tradition of not talking about it. The tap dance around the term is part of the intrigue to me - just like a shutout in hockey.
Anyhow, I just wanted to see what the opinions of others were.
The closest no-hitter that I saw which really stung when it was broken up:
Curt Schilling versus Oakland, which was broken up with 2 outs in the ninth, I believe. Watching on television is a little bit different from being "live" at an event, but it is still cool to be part of a no-hitter as it occurs. As a Sox fan, I've watched several no-hitters. A few that were awesome and a couple that absolutely sucked.
The first, and worst, of my life? The 4th of July, Red Sox at Yanks. I spent the day watching at my parents' friends' house without air conditioning in about a million degree heat. I'm pretty sure that it was Dave Righetti who threw it. Another shit-tastic no hitter was Chris Bosio for Seattle mowing down the Sox in a late night game on the West Coast. There's nothing better than staying up to see absolutely nothing happen. I wish I could be more open to seeing greatness as a fan, but I hated it. A classic (apparent) no-hitter, which was later taken away, was when Matt Young threw a no-no and lost, giving up about three runs on no hits.
I used to tape almost every one of Pedro's starts - waiting to save his no hitter - but it never came. I did, however, watch and tape the end of the Nomo No-No against Baltimore. Unfortunately, I was out of town for my anniversary, listening to the radio during the Derek Lowe no hitter. I was, and still am, a huge Derek Lowe fan - the guy liked to party and the guy really liked chicks. Finally, the Clay Buchholz no-hitter was unreal, watching it unfold in the September atmosphere of Fenway.
The second closest I ever came to witnessing a no-no live and in person was when Greg Harris threw a 3-hitter against the Yanks and still lost (I think the Yanks' pitcher put up a 2-hitter, himself), but the closest I ever came was a much happier occasion, seeing Crazy Carl Everett break up Mike Mussina's bid.
[At this point, the Guru's brain won't stop playing, "No No No" by Def Leppard. Is anyone else reminded of that song when using the term, "no-no"?]
Moving on.After trying to pick up the ball from Spezzal Teams Playa, who dropped it when he stopped updating our Playoff Hockey Pool, the Guru also ended up dropping the ball.
It really didn't matter, though.
Since the previous update (my team had Nepean's team in a strangle-hold), I believe my team advanced to the Finals. Yeah. We'll go with that.
(It really, really didn't matter).
Meanwhile, Appalachia Christian had Toronto beat going into Round 2 by virtue of owning the same (and additional) players. Toronto was without a mathematical chance to catch him.
So the Finals pitted Appalachia versus the Clubhouse, but Appie had the series won before it began, yet again.
Therefore, we can safely crown Appalachia Christian as the Ottawa Hockey League Playoff Hockey Pool Champion. Congrats! Well Done! You may drink from the cup!
Well that's about all we have for tonight's installment of the Guru Report. Be sure to tune in regularly for more frequent updates, especially now with hockey season gearing up. And be sure to watch tomorrow's episode, when my guest in the studio will be Dany Heatley.Heatley? Really? Wow, that's a good guest. Are we sure that he'll be here, Tito? Yeah? He committed to this show the day before last? Cool. I guess that means he's under contract to us and we can expect him to be here, as per that contract, so look for that.
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