Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Alternate Hockey History: The Locker Room Leaders



By Chris Barrymore


[Disclaimer: At this point, you are required to suspend all disbelief. And you must also completely disregard the space-time continuum. If you cannot bring yourself to do this, then I implore you to stop reading now. Apologies are also issued in advance to any who may stumble across this article and be offended by anything here. I know some folks are very protective of certain ideologies, like the stuff they talked about in Star Trek]

To those of you still here, then you are in for, as Clark Griswold once said of the Christmas turkey, "a very special treat".

The following people did some really good things. Some of them did some really bad things. One thing they all have in common is a love for hockey. They loved hockey so much that they played it, coached it, wrote about it, etc. Some had dreams of skating in the NHL against the world's best players. But none of them, for very different reasons, ever became stars in the NHL. And this investigative series is going to tell you why.






Jesus Christ: Blessed with what some have called God given talent, Jesus would have made an exceptional centerman. However, Jesus only had one position he wanted to play: goaltender. Trying out for various teams (including the New Jersey Devils at the same time, humorously, when Miroslav Satan was trying out for them), Jesus just could not cut it in goal. Puck after puck would go flying past him. Jesus Saves, but that doesn’t mean he can stop a puck. He ultimately left the league and took up a career in carpentry.



Santa Claus - Defense: Although intimidating to some (mostly younger folk) due to his sizable bulk, Santa was cut from teams because he would too often gift wrap the puck to the opponent. These hand delivered presents of puck almost always ended up in the net, which resulted in Santa accumulating a -1225 +/- rating in his short career. After giving up on his NHL dream, he now owns and operates a manufacturing facility that provides employment to many workers who would likely be unemployable elsewhere in the world.



Captain James T. Kirk and Genghis Khan: Though neither one ever made it past the junior levels, their careers are forever tied together. It all started when they started playing street hockey and for some reason always ended up on opposing teams. After hundreds of games filled with spearing, slashing, cross-checking, tripping, and other assorted acts of poor sportsmanship, they vowed a lifelong hatred of each other.

Things took a turn for the dramatic when Kirk took an intentional stick to the face from Khan and lost nearly all of his teeth. Shortly after, Khan gave up hockey and returned to his homeland of Mongolia. There, he took up a career in stirring some shit up. Kirk continued on with hopes of eventually cracking the NHL, but it became clear to his teammates that the only cracking being done was to Kirk’s mind.

He would skate around screaming KHAN!!!!! throughout every game he played in from that point on, completely ignoring the flow of the game. Eventually his coaches tired of his endless ranting and cut him from the team. After hockey, he dabbled in astronomical adventure and also later practiced law. Just recently, he explored his musical side by collaborating with a variety of pop, rock, and country artists on the upcoming CD, Seeking Major Tom. But even after all of these years, he would still not hesitate to give Khan one more cross-check to the face if given the chance.



Confucius: coach; regarded by most as a very intelligent and ethical man. However, his coaching style was such that he would speak only in philosophical passages that left his players internally pondering aspects of life and more importantly, hockey. While this may have been personally enriching to his players, it mostly left them unable to compete and make the split second decisions that game action demands. Too often, they would stand around thinking about the ethical implications of delivering a crosscheck, passing to the Right Wing, or shooting high or low on the goaltender. After being fired as coach, he returned to his homeland and took up a career outside of sports.



Jason Vorhees: A strange one, this guy. Slow and plodding, but had a killer instinct for the game. Although he didn’t play goalie, he refused to wear anything but a goalie mask during scrimmages and practices. Things turned bad when he was arrested for the attempted murder of a goalie that challenged him to a fight over who would wear the mask. He spent some time in jail, but eventually escaped. His current whereabouts are unknown, but rumors have circulated that he spends his summers in Crystal Lake, Il in hopes of catching on with one of the minor league teams in the Chicago metro area.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Feel Like Going to a Movie? How About Moneyball?



By Chris Barrymore


It was a rare night out at the movies, and for once it wasn't a cartoon. No, this time, kid coverage had been arranged and it was a night out with the wife. Our choice, perhaps surprisingly given that my wife is an avid non-baseball fan, was Moneyball.

No spoilers here, be assured. Besides, this is a story that played out in the Major Leagues ten years ago. So even if I did include spoilers they wouldn't really spoil anything. (At least not of the same magnitude as telling someone that Bruce Willis is really dead the whole time in The Sixth Sense, or that Nicole Kidman and her kids are the ghosts in The Others). Anyway, there I go digressing again.

I was a bit nervous about how much (or how little) I would actually be able to get into this film. I am not a great baseball mind. I am not even an average baseball mind. Sure, I follow the Twins a bit and hope they win, and am exposed to a lot of Twins coverage in the local media. In the summer, it is kind of hard to ignore. But I can't say that I am a student of the game.

However, I found that the story of the early 21st century Oakland teams ran slightly parallel to the Twins and their approach, at least up until a few years ago when the Twins starting inflating their payroll.

Brad Pitt is usually good, although I found myself hoping that at some point in the film he would say, "The first rule of Moneyball is that you do not talk about Moneyball". Jonah Hill played a more straightforward character here, but he still generated a few laughs. Felt it was a bit long during certain parts, but had a nice sweet ending. And no, I did not cry. Because there is no crying in baseball. Or in baseball movies.

My Rating: 9 Drews out of 10



Thursday, October 6, 2011

My Enormous Crystal Balls: The 2011-12 NHL Season



By Chris Barrymore


I meant to get this out prior to the very first puck drop of the season, in tonight's opening Habs versus Leafs game. Alas, sometimes life interferes.

So I'm about an hour late. Anyway, here is the extremely abbreviated version of what would have been an awesome (and long) article about the upcoming 2011-12 NHL season's eventual final standings. Enjoy.

And don't forget to come back next Spring to marvel at my powers (or more likely mock my complete ineptitude).


Top 8 in the East (in ALPHABETICAL order):

Boston
Buffalo
Carolina
New York Rangers
Philadelphia
Pittsburgh
Tampa Bay
Washington


Top 8 in the West (in ALPHABETICAL order):

Anaheim
Chicago
Columbus
Detroit
Los Angeles
San Jose
St. Louis
Vancouver


Eastern Conference Final: Buffalo over Washington
Western Conference Final: Vancouver over Los Angeles

Stanley Cup Final: Vancouver over Buffalo

Saturday, September 17, 2011

What The Hell Ever Happened To: Manon Rheaume



By Chris Barrymore


Way back in 1992, while Drew Barrymore was still trying to get off drugs and get some decent film roles, there was a 20 year old French Canadian goalie taking the hockey world by storm. Eventually ascending through the ranks, she signed as a free agent with the Tampa Bay Lightning in 1992.

Publicity stunt for a newly born franchise in a non-traditional hockey market, you say? No argument there.

But it wouldn't be the first time some hot young 20-something has been used as a marketing ploy. The Lightning had to find some way for people to realize they existed, and this just might have been it.

Manon played in only two exhibition games for the Bolts, against the Blues and the Bruins, before moving on to some women's international competitions and some IHL teams for 5 years.

Unbeknownst to me, Manon also played for the Minnesota Whitecaps of the WWHL in 2009, helping that team to the Clarkson Cup Finals. Why did the local news not cover this? It is an outrage.

Anyway, these days she dabbles in pop culture outlets from time to time, and is also involved in youth hockey programs for girls via the creatively named Manon Rheaume Foundation.

Oh, and she's still a fox.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Top Ten List: Baseball Wives and Girlfriends



By Chris Barrymore


In spite of an overwhelming lack of demand for a new Top Ten List of any kind, and the fact I blew through most of what I would classify as my good ideas last season, and the fact I may have been dealing with a case of writer’s block (even though I am not a writer), I managed to scrape together a new post. Speaking of writer’s block, consider if one had writer’s block and then tried to write about having writer’s block. Said blocked writer could discuss what caused their block to happen, what they did to avoid the daily torment of not writing, and how they successfully overcame it with a 1000 page book about writer’s block. Might work for some, but to me it sounds like a clear path to the asylum.

Yet another clear path to the asylum is having family visit you in three separate waves since the beginning of June, including a certain league manager’s mother. The last of these visits just ended only last Saturday, which is perhaps why I am suddenly feeling motivated and inspired once again. And what better way to exercise that inspiration than to talk about steaming hot women that I will never meet with co-managers who I will also likely never meet.

As always, I digress. We all know that athletes and musicians get all the babes. Despite how much we may adore the significant others in our lives, the women here are quite possibly from another world.

As a follow up to The Top Ten List: Hockey Wives and Girlfriends, I am humbled to present The Top Ten List: Baseball Wives and Girlfriends.

The same disclaimers from the hockey list apply here.





Brittany Binger (Grady Sizemore, Cle) - A former Playmate of the month for Mr. Sizemore.





Krystle Campbell (Ryan Howard, Phi) - I was going to use the requisite "hitting lots of home runs" joke here, but I needed it later on, so let's try this. Ryan Howard is scoring touchdowns with this Eagles' cheerleader more than just on Sundays in the fall.





Joanna Garcia (Nick Swisher, NYY) - Married to the Yankees outfielder since last December, this actress was once the homecoming queen at Florida’s Tampa Catholic High School. For those of you whose minds may be wandering already, let me clarify that this was a co-ed school. Thus, the ability to name a queen and king for prom, as opposed to just a bunch of queens.




Heidi Hamels (Cole Hamels, Phi) – This former Survivor contestant married the Phillies’ pitcher on New Year’s Eve 2006. On Survivor: The Amazon, Heidi lasted longer than most, being the 12th contestant (out of 16) to be voted off. A notable moment of this season occurred during a challenge testing players’ endurance against temptation. While all the players were standing on a pillar, the players were told they would be tempted with various rewards for hopping off voluntarily. Almost immediately, Jenna Morasca (the eventual champion) and Heidi Strobel offered to remove all of their clothes if they were provided with chocolate and peanut butter. The host complied with their request, and a very naked Jenna and Heidi exited the challenge and ate their plates of Oreos and peanut butter. Their escapades earned them a cover shot and pictorial in Playboy.





Marikym Hervieux (Russell Martin, NYY) – He may be having a poor season at the plate (.222 Avg), but something tells me Martin’s average is much higher once he gets home.





Kate Hudson (Alex Rodriguez, NYY) – Although not together any longer, one would hesitate to argue over Ms. Hudson’s inclusion here. It should also be noted that she was once married to The Black Crowes’ Chris Robinson, but eventually separated due to “irreconcilable differences”. This could be taken to mean that good old Chris was just smoking too damn much pot. Now engaged to another musician, Matt Bellamy of Muse, this is one starlet who seems to have eyes for both athletes and musicians. Maybe one day she can find someone who is both.




Minka Kelly (Derek Jeter, NYY) - The Yankees just have it all, don't they. Bright lights, big city, amazing babes. Jeter has been through his share of women, but I'd still be shocked if he didn't stop with this one.





Emily Kuchar (Zack Greinke, Mil) - Emily is a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. She is also Miss Daytona Beach USA 2008. However, these two are high school sweethearts, having met at Apopka High School in Orange County, Florida. Awwwwwww.





Jennifer Lopez (Felipe Lopez, TB) – A picture is worth a thousand words, so I need add nothing. Except for one thing: Why is my name not Felipe Lopez? And besides, I must be up to around 800 words by now, no?





Diana Roberts (Brian Roberts, Bal) - Brian Roberts is another player having a poor season at the plate (.221 avg), but you know he's hitting home runs after every home game. Ba-dum-chhhh


Monday, July 18, 2011

Not a Fucking Sport: Drew Barrymore's New Band



By Chris Barrymore


Long ago, in a galaxy far away, there was a certain member of these leagues (who shall remain nameless) that was dealing with a certain fascination with one Ms. Drew Barrymore. For those of you who remember and have tried to forget, I apologize. For those of you who were never exposed to it, I envy you.

But at one time, in the far reaches of this league manager’s mind, it was conjured up that Drew Barrymore started a rock band. This band was called Drew Barrymore and the Slapshots, if I recall. The band released a collection of songs on various formats (my preference being the special edition double LP vinyl) filled with hockey themed songs of suggestive double entendres and innuendo. Needless to say, the record/CD/8 track/cassette/MP3/digital whatever sold millions and was a huge hit.

Now, being the ambitious, creative, intriguing, and mesmerizing person that she is, Ms. Barrymore decided that just doing that hockey album was not enough. Even though she loves hockey and cannot wait for it to start again and is thinking about doing a countdown to when the hockey drafts might start, she wanted to do a quick side project and put together a new band to do a record about baseball. The name of this band, you ask? Drew Barrymore and the Ball Boys.

Here are the details of this stunning new release:

TRACKLISITING:

Squeeze Play
Foul Territory
Sweet Spot
Bottom of the Ninth
Blowing the Save
Bushleaguer
Getting to First Base
Outside My Strike Zone
No Hitting (On Me Tonight)
One Night Home Stand
Juiced


Of course, given the explicit content, Walmart is refusing to carry this. So you will need to search elsewhere for your must-have copy.

Well, time to go and watch Fever Pitch again.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Travelling Riverside Blues: Lester(DL) or Haren?



By Scott We Go


Damn, Minneapolis Maulers dude. Is Jon Lester (all by himself AND on the DL) that much more valuable than Dan Haren, Nelson Cruz AND Tyler Clippard?

Because I'm confused why you would reject my fine offer and accept that one.

[Editor's Note: Here is Minneapolis Mauler's reply]

Trade talks with you seemed like they had come to a stalling point. I don't like or want any part of Nelson Cruz and you wanted a lot more than Drabek, Rizzo, and Walker.

Bottom line: if I'm making offers to you, I'm likely making offers to others, as well. The first manager to come to an agreement will get the deal done.


Friday, April 15, 2011

Souvenir Game Program: FavTeam League 2011



By Spezzal Teams Playa


Welcome, everybody. Please take your name tag and sign the guest book. The punch table is over there, and the buffet is along the back wall. I hope you all have fun and get to know your neighbours.

I have listed everyone in order of seniority within the Sports Talk Pool. You'll note that while most faces look familiar from the various leagues, there are five rookie General Managers in Bakersfield, Cambridge, Daytona Beach, Greensboro and Kalamazoo.



Stittsville Blue Jays

manager: Spezzal Teams Playa

email: spezzalteamsplaya@gmail.com

aliases: Nepean Hotspurs, Tito "TD" O'Dell

location: Ottawa, Ontario

date joined: September 2007


Last Season - 11th

2010 Baseball Dynasty – 5th
2009 Baseball – 11th

2010-2011 Hockey - 11th
2009-2010 Hockey – 10th
2008-2009 Hockey – 4th
2007-2008 Hockey – 9th

2010-2011 Basketball – 4th
2009-2010 Basketball – 10th
2008-2009 Basketball – 2009 League Champion

2010 Football – 3rd
2009 Football - 14th
2008 Football – 10th




Power Rays

manager: Chris St. Paul

email: cjk863@yahoo.com

aliases: St. Paul Sidewinders, St. Paul Hell Lions, Minnesota Frostbite, By-Tor & the Snow Dogs

location: St.Paul, Minnesota

date joined: September 2007


Last Season - 3rd


2010 Baseball Dynasty – 6th
2009 Baseball – 12th

2010-2011 Hockey – 7th
2009-2010 Hockey – 4th
2008-2009 Hockey – 3rd
2007-2008 Hockey – 10th

2010-2011 Basketball – 13th
2009-2010 Basketball – 2nd

2010 Football – 8th
2009 Football – 17th




Alameda Athletics

manager: Yatagon Dan

email: yatagon@hotmail.com

aliases: Alameda Rat Bastards, Alameda Evil Baldmen

location: Oakland, California

date joined: August 2008


Last Season - 9th

2010 Baseball Dynasty – 17th

2010-2011 Hockey – 20th
2009-2010 Hockey – 2nd

2010 Football – 11th
2009 Football – 12th
2008 Football – 2nd




Durham Cubs

manager: Mex Francisco

email: uncmex@yahoo.com

aliases: UNC, North Carolina Hockey, Michael Jordan

location: Chapel Hill, North Carolina

date joined: August 2008


Last Season - did not play

2010-2011 Hockey – Reigning League Champion

2010-2011 Basketball – 15th

2010 Football – 14th-place
2009 Football – 2009 League Champion
2008 Football – 9th




Westfield Pirates

manager: Hockey Guru

email: cbsbaseball2002@yahoo.com

aliases: Westfield Muff Divers, Clubhouse Chemistry, Cherry Blasts

location: Westfield, Massachusetts

date joined: September 2008


Last Season - 5th

2009 Baseball - 10th

2010-2011 Hockey - 3rd
2009-2010 Hockey – 5th
2008-2009 Hockey – 5th

2010 Football - 6th
2009 Football – 9th




Dakota Orioles

manager: Dakota Steve

email: hills@itcmilbank.com

aliases: Dakota Magic, Dakota Flash, Eastside Slammers

location: Sioux Falls, South Dakota

date joined: October 2008


Last Season - 19th

2009 Baseball – 2nd

2009-2010 Basketball – 19th
2008-2009 Basketball – 7th

2010 Football – 20th
2009 Football – 11th




Ashland Rangers

manager: Trader Dick

email: krb1keeper@yahoo.com

aliases: Cleveland Keepers, Cleveland Bronsucks, Great Lakes Loons


location: Ashland, Ohio

date joined: October 2008


Last Season - did not play

2009 Baseball – 2009 League Champion

2010-2011 Basketball - 5th
2009-2010 Basketball - 18th
2008-2009 Basketball - 3rd

2010 Football – 13th
2009 Football - 18th




Perrysburg Reds

manager: Big Storm

email: lonnitschke@hotmail.com

aliases: Perrysburg Pain, Perrysburg Polliwog, Perrysburg Phreakz

location: Perrysburg, Ohio

date joined: March 2009


Last Season - Reigning League Champion

2010 Baseball Dynasty – 14th
2009 Baseball – 16th

2010-2011 Hockey – 4th
2009-2010 Hockey – 18th

2010 Football - 12th




Wailuku Phillies

manager: Div'er Down Dave

email: fastwillie.parker@yahoo.com

aliases: Wailuku Fowl Play, Manoa Morays, Wailuku Warriors

location: Manoa, Hawaii

date joined: March 2009


Last Season - 4th

2010 Baseball Dynasty – 3rd
2009 Baseball – 6th

2010-2011 Hockey - 2nd
2009-2010 Hockey – 6th

2010 Football – 7th
2009 Football – 10th




Odessa Angels

manager: Gary “Ace” Ventura

email: aventuraexisle@yahoo.com

aliases: Odessa Isle Wind, Odessa Ex-Isles, Odessa Snow Jobs


location: Odessa, Florida


date joined: September 2009


Last Season - 2nd

2010 Baseball Dynasty – 9th

2010-2011 Hockey - 6th
2009-2010 Hockey - 3rd

2010 Football - 18th




Lockport Cardinals

manager: Buzz74

email: aaronverklan@yahoo.com

aliases: Colt 45 Malt Liquor


location: Buffalo, New York


date joined: October 2009


Last Season - 6th

2010 Baseball Dynasty – 20th

2010-2011 Hockey - 17th

2010-2011 Basketball – 2nd
2009-2010 Basketball – 7th

2010 Football - 5th




Ravenswood Marlins

manager: Pistol Pete

email: rosario_r_81@yahoo.com

aliases: Fat Monkey Butts, Chi-town Bums

location: Ravenswood, Ontario

date joined: October 2009


Last Season - 8th

2010-2011 Basketball – 9th
2009-2010 Basketball – 9th

2010 Football – 2nd




Edgewater Mets

manager: Dolan

email: pdn418@aol.com

aliases: Finders Keepers

location: Edgewater, Florida

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - did not play in the "main" league

2010 Baseball Dynasty – 10th




Minneapolis Yankees

manager: Kid Wrassler

email: uwecwrestling@hotmail.com

aliases: Minneapolis Maulers, The Grappler

location: Minneapolis, Minnesota

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - did not play in the "main" league

2010 Baseball Dynasty – 2nd




Oia Red Sox

manager: Phoenix

email: sdp70@rocketmail.com

aliases: Phoenix Fellatiators

location: Oia, Spain

date joined: March 2010


Last Season - did not play in the "main" league

2010 Baseball Dynasty – 11th




Bakersfield Brewers

manager: Smokey

email: dmachine0@yahoo.com

location: Bakersfield, California

date joined: March 2011


Last Season - did not play (2011 is his rookie season)




Cambridge Astros

manager: Amy See Amy Do

email: eden_ac@yahoo.com

aliases: Cambridge Cantabrigi

location: Cambridge, Massachusetts

date joined: March 2011


Last Season - did not play (2011 is her rookie season)




Daytona Beach Braves

manager: Daily Wesley

email: hidden@ddress.com

location: Daytona Beach, Florida

date joined: March 2011


Last Season - did not play (2011 is his rookie season)




Kalamazoo Nationals

manager: Mystic Daisy

email: mysticdaisy@yahoo.com

location: Kalamazoo, Michigan

date joined: March 2011


Last Season - did not play (2011 is her rookie season)




Placeholder Mariners

manager: Sens Say

email: hidden@ddress.com

location: Seattle, Washington

date joined: March 2011


Last Season - did not play (2011 is his rookie season)