My Enormous Crystal Balls: The 2011-12 NHL Season

By Chris Barrymore


I meant to get this out prior to the very first puck drop of the season, in tonight's opening Habs versus Leafs game. Alas, sometimes life interferes.

So I'm about an hour late. Anyway, here is the extremely abbreviated version of what would have been an awesome (and long) article about the upcoming 2011-12 NHL season's eventual final standings. Enjoy.

And don't forget to come back next Spring to marvel at my powers (or more likely mock my complete ineptitude).


Top 8 in the East (in ALPHABETICAL order):

Boston
Buffalo
Carolina
New York Rangers
Philadelphia
Pittsburgh
Tampa Bay
Washington


Top 8 in the West (in ALPHABETICAL order):

Anaheim
Chicago
Columbus
Detroit
Los Angeles
San Jose
St. Louis
Vancouver


Eastern Conference Final: Buffalo over Washington
Western Conference Final: Vancouver over Los Angeles

Stanley Cup Final: Vancouver over Buffalo

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My Enormous Crystal Balls: The 2010-11 NHL Season

By Hockey Guru


The Sports Talk Pool is proud to publish it annual edition of predictions about the 2010-11 season.

The last thing we saw in the 2009-2010 hockey season,

was Patty Kane scoring the Stanley Cup winning goal in OT (didn't we all do that on the pond, or in the driveway, once or twice, growing up).

The 'Hawks proved to be the class of the league and really weren't tested. The biggest test they faced was the salary cap, once the season ended.

So what's in store for 2010-2011? Let's look into the enormous crystal ball and see. Using my patented Guru's Giv'er 800%™ method for determining each team's playoff odds:


Eastern Conference

Washington Capitals 100%
New Jersey Devils 95%
Pittsburgh Penguins 90%
Philadelphia Flyers 80%
Buffalo Sabres 70%
Boston Bruins 70%
Ottawa Senators 50%
New York Rangers 50%
Tampa Bay Lightning 49%
Atlanta Thrashers 40%
New York Islanders 40%
Montreal Canadiens 30%
Toronto Maple Leafs 25%
Florida Panthers 10%
Carolina Hurricanes 1%


Western Conference

Chicago Blackhawks 100%
San Jose Sharks 100%
Vancouver Canucks 100%
Detroit Red Wings 90%
Los Angeles Kings 70%
Phoenix Coyotes 60%
St.Louis Blues 55%
Colorado Avalanche 45%
Columbus Blue Jackets 45%
Nashville Predators 30%
Anaheim Ducks 30%
Calgary Flames 30%
Edmonton Oilers 25%
Dallas Stars 15%
Minnesota Wild 5%


Conference Finals

Pittsburgh vs. Washington
Chicago vs. San Jose


Stanley Cup Finals

San Jose over Washington


Okay, not my best work. For some reason, the start to this season is just not capturing my full attention. The enormous crystal ball has been gathering dust for months. It's late, and the millions of visitors to this site demand a prediction, so there it is.

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Carnac the Guru: CBC Tuesday Night in Canada

By Hockey Guru


Montreal - really? Really! They have evened their series again and tomorrow night will they punch their tickets to the Eastern Conference Finals? Will this be the end of the Penguins title defense?

The Guru is stumped by the latest turn of events in Montreal and will be re-focusing on that series again tomorrow.

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Re-focusing is what Vancouver did well in Game 5, which is why we have some hockey to watch tonight. Can they maintain that focus and hold down the Blackhawks offense which has seen back-to-back hat tricks in Vancouver?

Tonight the crystal ball shows Chicago's advantage over Vancouver at defense being the difference. Where Keith, Seabrook and Campbell can skate with and defend the Vancouver attack, the Vancouver defense will be exploited by the speed of the Hawks forwards - particularly Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews. The two stars will lead their team into the Western Conference Finals to face San Jose. The Hawks soar once more in Vancouver and close the series out.
Prediction: Chicago 4 Vancouver 2.

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Carnac the Guru: The Sweet Home, Chicago Edition

By Hockey Guru


The Showdown at Sundown. The one game tonight - Game 5 between Vancouver and Chicago - could end the series most predicted and expected would go seven games. Following up a great comeback in game 2 - Chicago convincingly took both games in Vancouver and head home to close the series out tonight.

Vancouver was at times completely out of control and unfocused. Now, with their backs against the wall - and their season on the brink - it is expected that they will regain the necessary focus and play a much more disciplined game tonight. The Blackhawks will continue the attack, but playing focused, it is expected that Vancouver will be able to hold off the Hawks enough to survive - at least for one more day.

Final score prediction: Vancouver 3 - Chicago 2

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Carnac the Guru: Cracking Bizarro DaVinci Code

By Hockey Guru


Sometimes the predictions of the Guru need to be translated by the Bizarro Code - just go the exact opposite - and last night's predictions proved one of those times.

The rumours of Detroit's elimination were greatly exaggerated! Winning Game 4 not only kept them alive in their series with San Jose - it gave hope that if the team could so thoroughly dominate in that game - why won't they be able to win 3 more in a row? For answers to that question - tune in tomorrow.

Meanwhile, in Montreal, the Canadiens' game plan of playing possum for two periods, and "forcing" Pittsburgh to unleash 26 shots on net through the first two periods worked to perfection.

Knowing Pittsburgh could only take 8 shots in the third without triggering the Halak 35 shot threshhold proved genius. The Pens couldn't resist and ended up exactly with 35 shots and Halak went to 16-1-2 in games when facing at least 35 shots.

Tom Pyatt's goal was a thing of beauty and in the 93-second span in the third, the equivalent of a night of passion with OK Ya, provided all the offense needed for Montreal to even the series and actually change the format to a best of three series. Not literally, if it was changed to a best of 3 - Pittsburgh would have advanced since they won two of the first three games. So, the series is now a best of three - from this point forward! (Everyone knows that - but the Guru has some issues - especially with overused and overplayed terminology).



So with the Montreal-Pittsburgh series squared up at 2 games each - the magical journey for the Boston Bruins and their fans continues to take shape.

Watch out for the injury bug to appear in games 5-6-7 where at least two of: Malkin, Crosby, Fleury, Halak, Cammalleri, and Gionta will be lost for the playoffs.

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Game 4 - does the Guru believe that the first game threes taught him a lesson and the Bruins are Destiny's child? Wait - destiny's child sang on the Men in Black Soundtrack - and Will Smith sang "Men in Black" - the Bruins wear black. "Men in black" was a remake of a 1982 hit. Miro Satan is a remake of a player of the same name that played for the Sabres in the 80's too...hmmm

So, why won't the Bruins streak continue? First, the Bruins wear black at home. Second Will Smith was born and raised in West Philadelphia and finally - Miroslav Satan played in the 90's for Buffalo and while he plays similar to the guy with the same name - he's not that player.

What does all that have to do with tonight's game? Nothing. Which is the same thing Philadelphia has been given by Boston and Tuuka Rask in this series. Desperate for a goal in game 3 - the Flyers couldn't muster any memorable great scoring opportunities.

With Simon Gagne getting set for a return, and the mounting injuries for Boston the Flyers could be better positioned to come all the way back in this series than Detroit against San Jose - but inconsistency, which has been a theme in Philly's season is sure to resurface.

The Bruins will go to the Eastern Conference Finals - and they get there tonight. Simply put, the Flyers just won't get enough offense against Boston to win.

Prediction: Boston 3-1

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9:30 EDT Start time - makes for prime viewing opportunity for this MUST SEE series.

After setting the tone for the series for the first 4 periods - Vancouver probably can't believe they are in a 2-1 series hole.

The prediction tonight is that Vancouver is not able to regain their focus and composure - that they will be focusing on "missed calls" on what Big Buff is doing on the ice and the Blackhawks take the commanding 3-1 lead in the series.

The Blackhawks are in Bobby Lu's head and the Guru doesn't think he'll be able to step up his game as this series is getting away from the Canucks. Chicago scores big again tonight and wins 5-3 before heading back to Chitown with their opportunity to advance.

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Enjoy the games and updates to come while the Guru hopes to avoid the dreaded Goose Egg again!

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Gurú Loco: Edición especial para el Cinco de Mayo

escrito por Gurú del Hockey


2-for-2 on my predictions last night!

While correctly predicting both winners - the bonus points for calling the scores and the Jimmy Howard prediction came up short - but that won't stop the Guru from making the picks for each game 3 going tonight - and in honor of Cinco de Mayo, here are :

Los Predicciones

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The Guru's gut on this series is queasy and turning as if he just downed a glass of curdled milk. The apparent "weakness" of the Bruins to the Guru - their "thin" blue line talent may have been over blown. The Bruin defensive depth has not proven problematic to this point of the series.

Much more was expected from James Van Riemsdyk and Claude Giroux from the Flyers. Tuukka Rask has arrived and has the ability to steal a game and if he does in this series - the Flyers have no chance.

But if the Guru is anything, he's stubborn. As much as he wanted to include Rocky Balboa's speech on Christmas Day in Moscow ("If you can change, and I can change - we all can change") - and as much as the Guru's gut is telling him that the Guru has grossly underestimated the Boston Bruins - the head and eyes tell him that Philadelphia can and will get back into this series.

Tonight the Flyers will catch a bounce, a break, a call - and not only get their first lead of the series - they will have a multiple goal lead.

Prediccione: Philadelphia 4 - Boston 2

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Put a fresh 6-pack on ice for this game. If there was only one series that the Guru could watch this round - this one would be it.
Each game is anticipated so highly - that it's feared it won't live up to the expectations.

However, the crowds in Chicago and Vancouver, the talent on the ice and the million different ways the game can unfold are viewing bliss for the Guru.

Again, at this point, this series is the cloudiest in the broken crystal ball. This game could be a 1-0 game; a 9-8 game or anything in between. However, the loyal followers don't come to the Guru for such vague direction. The Guru must make a prediction.

Keeping with to the Rocky references, this prediction is brought to you by Clubber Lang: "I predict PAIN." This game will be physical - there will be a fight or two.

In the end, the imaginary coin toss has come up heads again. That big smirking Indian head, the Hawks, find a way to solve Luongo and come away with a 4-3 victory.

For bonus points, let's say this game goes into overtime - so have an extra six-pack in reserve.

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My Enormous Crystal Balls: NHL 2010 Quarterfinals

By Hockey Guru



After a stunning set of Round 1 Predictions - which were never published - and in response to the incredible pre-season predictions revisited - The Guru has smashed his crystal ball. However, even without a crystal ball, day-to-day predictions on the Stanley Cup Playoffs can be expected by the millions of clamoring STP followers.

At the time of publishing this post, the Penguins and Canadiens are even at 1 game apiece. San Jose has a 2-0 series lead over Detroit, and Boston & Vancouver each hold a 1-0 lead over Philadelphia and Vancouver, respectively.




The Boston-Philadelphia Series

Boston's defense is thin. Zdeno Chara is a beast - but the minutes that are being required from Johnny Boychuk (33:29 in game 1), Andrew Ference, Matt Hunwick, Dennis Wideman and Adam McQuaid will prove problematic for the black and gold.

Whereas Buffalo's injuries toward the end of the year led to a lineup of smurfs - Philadelphia, should be able to wear out the Bruins defense and create plenty of offensive opportunities for Danny Briere and Mike Richards.

The Bruins' struggle to score goals will return in the series and the Flyers will prevail.


The Pittsburgh-Montreal Series

Mike Cammalleri is clutch and clutch is everything. Some players have the ability to elevate their games and PRODUCE when needed - and he is one of those players. Unfortunately for him and Habs fans - so is Sidney Crosby.

The Penguins will not make the same mistake the Capitals made and simply play a series of one-games. The Penguins have begun their series attack on Montreal - from Cooke's hit on Markov to the major-misconduct by Adams - the Penguins are looking to punish Montreal's defenseman and will wear down the Canadiens in the series.

Jaroslav Halak has been solid if not spectacular in the Olympics and in the Playoffs - but Pittsburgh will move through in 5 or 6 games.


The Chicago-Vancouver Series

Prior to the series opening, the Guru was waffling on the winner of this series. After game one - it would be very hard to predict Chicago wining 4 of the next 6. Vancouver appears much more focused from the goal out.

However, Chicago's defense (Campbell in particular) will improve throughout the series. Adjusting from the series against Nashville and forgetting about last year's series victory over Vancouver may have proven difficult in game 1.

Even as this is being typed - the broken crystal ball shows both teams emerging.

Going into Game 1 - I believe that Chicago didn't respect Roberto Luongo enough. I believe they came into the game believing that they would prevail in a run-and-gun style game. They may still believe that. However, in Game 2, I expect the Hawks to come out much more conservatively and with more attention to defense. While sacrificing some potential transition-game offense, Game 2 will be low scoring and Patrick Kane has the clutch-ness to score a key goal and tie up this series.

In this first "draft" prediction for the series, the coin toss landed on heads - actually an Indian head - but the more confident prediction is that the prediction of Blackhawks in 7 will change.


The San Jose-Detroit Series

San Jose has a 2-0 lead. Now Detroit needs to win 4 of 5 to advance. However, it has been said that a team is never in trouble until it loses on home ice. Well, if Detroit isn't in trouble yet - I'm going to be getting a big check in the mail for this post.

The Wings are a great dynasty - but this year is San Jose's year. The depth players will be the difference - San Jose is just deeper and better. San Jose will get through this series (bold prediction, being up 2-0 already). Since today is not a game day, I'll revisit this series tomorrow, but I think San Jose wins Game 3, Detroit rallies for Game 4 and San Jose closes out Detroit in 5 or 6. Again, that is the "early" prediction (if a prediction 2 games into a series can be considered early).


Tonight (Monday), Guru's Gut Sez:


Philadelphia 3 - Boston 2

Chicago 2- Vancouver 1 (OT)

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My Enormous Crystal Balls: 2009-10 NHL Results

By Spezzal Teams Playa


You may recall that back in September, the Guru and I made some predictions about the NHL season that recently ended. I even went as far as to predict the outcomes for each projected playoff series, though none of those matchups ever materialized (score me 0-for-8 on those types of predictions, so far).

I realize that this would have been more timely about two weeks ago, but I wanted it on record that I finally managed to out-guess the Guru.

So anyway, I began our little roundtable discussion by trotting out the tired old method of predicting the exact order of the standings, then Hockey Guru fired back with his own unique brand of prognostication, the patented Guru's Giv'er 800% method, which assigns percentages to each team's chances of reaching the playoffs. I did a much better job of explaining the details in this year's baseball edition, but basically you accept the certainty that eight teams will advance, then redistribute those probabilities (8 X 100%) among the entire Conference or league, as it were. The end result usually grants some chance to every team, with the "locks" receiving less than 100% apiece.

Anyway, here were my picks last Fall:


Spezzal Teams Playa


Eastern Conference

1. Montreal
2. Pittsburgh
3. Washington
4. New York Rangers
5. Boston
6. Ottawa
7. Carolina
8. Philadelphia
9. New Jersey
10. Buffalo
11. Toronto
12. Tampa Bay
13. New York Islanders
14. Atlanta
15. Florida


Western Conference

1. San Jose
2. Chicago
3. Calgary
4. Detroit
5. Anaheim
6. Vancouver
7. Minnesota
8. Los Angeles
9. Nashville
10. Dallas
11. Columbus
12. St. Louis
13. Edmonton
14. Phoenix
15. Colorado


As you can see, I nailed it when it came to thinking that the Bolts and Isles would finish 12-13, as well as the equally bold prediction of Division titles for the Sharks and Hawks. But aside from my 4-for-30 results that were propped up by those obvious choices, how well did I do overall?

• 11-for-16 on playoff teams (missed Buf, NJ, Cld, Nas, Phx)
  
• 3-for-6 on Division winners (missed Buf, NJ, Vcr)
  
• predicted NJ would be the 14th team to hit the links (turns out they were the 15th)
  
• predicted Edm and Fla among the lottery teams (duh)
  
• predicted that NJ would make way for Otw to return to the playoffs (turns out it was Car and NYR who opened up the two spots for the Sens and Sabres to get back in)
  
• predicted Cls and StL would make way for LA and Min to return to the playoffs (turns out I was less than half-right as Min missed again, giving the second spot to Phx, while Anh also dropped out so that Cld could pretend that they were a good team)
  

In other words, when you're right 51% of the time .... you know the rest. So now let's check in on the Guru's results and draw some more random conclusions.



Hockey Guru


Eastern Conference

Philadelphia Flyers: 100%
Pittsburgh Penguins: 99%
Washington Capitals: 98%
Boston Bruins: 80%
Tampa Bay Lightning: 52%
Florida Panthers: 51%
New Jersey Devils: 47%
Buffalo Sabres: 45%
Carolina Hurricanes: 44%
New York Rangers: 39%
Toronto Maple Leafs: 38%
Ottawa Senators: 35%
Atlanta Thrashers: 27%
Montreal Canadiens: 25%
New York Islanders: 20%


Western Conference

San Jose Sharks 100%
Detroit Red Wings 99%
Vancouver Canucks: 95%
Chicago Blackhawks: 90%
Calgary Flames: 85%
Anaheim Ducks: 70%
Columbus Bluejackets: 60%
St. Louis Blues: 56%
Los Angeles Kings: 40%
Phoenix Coyotes: 33%
Minnesota Wild: 26%
Edmonton Oilers: 25%
Nashville Predators: 16%
Dallas Stars: 5%
Colorado Avalanche: 0%


So what can we say about these picks? How about that leaving the Avs completely off the grid was completely symbolic of how every single pundit treated Colorado's chances, last summer. They ended up being recorded as Guru's "No-chance-in-Hell" pick, at 0%, but truth be told, I think he just forgot about them. Had he given them even a 1% chance, he'd now be able to squeeze a small morsel of food past his size-12 boot. Since he didn't, we can all point and laugh as he tries to explain himself with his foot ankle-deep into his mouth. (And this from a guy who, just three paragraphs ago, admitted to also picking the Avs to finish 15th in the West).

Avs gaffe aside, let's take a look at what the Guru managed to get right.

• 10-for-16 on playoff teams (missed Mtl, Otw, Cld, LA, Nas, Phx)
  
• 3-for-6 on Division winners (missed Buf, NJ, Chi)
  
• predicted Edm and NYI among the lottery teams (duh)
  
• predicted that Car, Mtl and NYR would drop out of the playoffs to make room for Buf, Fla and TB (correctly naming both teams to drop out of this year's playoffs plus one of the two replacements)
  
• guaranteed success for Phi and SJ, as well as basically guaranteeing playoff appearances for Det, Pit, Wsh, Vcr and Chi (came down to the wire in Philly)
  
• guaranteed failure by Dallas when many pegged them for the post-season (Dal may have actually still ranked last had the Guru included Cld in his calculations)
  

As alluded to earlier, I made my playoff picks last Summer as well. Suffice it to say, none of the 8 series currently underway matched up against my bracket. I will say again, however, that I predicted that Round 2 would be contested by Phi, Chi, SJ and Vcr. Naming four of the Elite Eight before training camp 8 months earlier has got to be a good score, no?

Anyway, I go on to put Phi, Chi and Vcr in the Conference Finals, with the 'Hawks winning it all, so I'll revisit this again in a month to brag about that some more.

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My Enormous Crystal Balls: NHL 2009 Quarterfinals

by Hockey Guru, Will-He-M and Spezzal Teams Playa


A couple of weeks ago, a few of us posted our predictions for this year's NHL playoffs.

I transferred those original paragraphs (which were first posted on the Hockey League's message board on April 12th), to the Baseball League's message board on April 13th (Msg # 211, 212, 213 & 214).

A short time later, I repackaged them and put them up here and here.

The problem was, I had omitted everyone's picks beyond Round 1 on both the Baseball League's Message Board, and on this site. My intention was to put them up a week ago, but I never got around to it. Anyhow, as long as we all witnessed the Opening Round picks, I don't see how a week's delay takes anything away from posting this now.

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Hockey Guru

Conference Semi-Finals

So....round two matchups....hmmmm....

So....the Montreal Canadiens versus the Washington Capitals....hmmmm....Montreal?

Philly? Carolina? Uhhhh....PHILLY!! [to be read using the voice of South Park's Timmy!]

Chicago visits San Jose, now here's a series I can write about. San Jose has been in Chicago's position before and come up short, but this time they feel they are ready. San Jose, however, is wrong in thinking that losing many, many playoff series makes a team better - it doesn't, it only makes you older. Chicago pulls off the upset to reach the Western Conference Finals.

Vancouver at Detroit is another good one. The safe bet is to say that Detroit is Detroit, and will always find a way to win. I really can't see Vancouver going much further, but Vancouver does win this series.


Conference Finals

Philly? Montreal? Uhhhh....PHILLY!! [c'mon, you knew that was gonna be the pick]

Chicago goes up to Vancouver. Chicago is crazy and the Bulin Wall is rebuilt. The Swedish attack on the Wall won't bring it down, and Chicago gets to the Finals.


Stanley Cup Finals

Blah, blah, blah....I really can't see a Chicago / Philly Finals, but whatever. I am going to bet Philly to win the Cup (the odds should be pretty good).

			Hockey Guru
Boston						San Jose
	Montreal				San Jose
Montreal						Anaheim
		Montreal		Chicago
			Chicago
Washington						Chicago
	Washington				Chicago
New York						Calgary
			Cup Champs
			Philadelphia
New Jersey						Detroit
	Carolina				Detroit
Carolina						Columbus
			Philadelphia
		Philadelphia		Vancouver
Pittsburgh						Vancouver
	Philadelphia				Vancouver
Phildelphia						St.Louis
			April 12, 2009

Will-he-M

Conference Semi-Finals

Caps vs Habs: The Habs have better depth on defence and in goal. Ovechkin and Semin haven't played in the high pressure zone that is Montreal. They'll be hard pressed to perform in this series. Prediction: Habs in 6

Pens vs Canes: I'm not liking this series. Too many unpredictable elements involved. On one hand, you have two NHL superstars who lead a team that isn't as good as last year's Finalists, yet shouldn't be taken too lightly. On the other hand, you have a team made up of a mix of rising stars, misfits and aging veterans. In my honest opinion, this series will be determined by how the secondary scoring holds up. I'm not sold on Kunitz and Guerin. Prediction: Canes in 7

San Jose vs Columbus: This match up will be another solid series. Two very talented teams. Prediction: Sharks in 6

Chicago vs St.Louis: The Blues will definitely bow out to the superior Hawks' attack. I will be looking forward to this series. Prediction: Hawks in 6


Conference Finals

Canes vs Habs: I don't like my Habs playing the Canes here, for a simple reason: his name is Erik Cole. He is the new John LeClair - a Habs-killer. He owns the Habs, which is why I was praying that the Bruins wouldn't get him at the deadline. However, the Habs have been battling adversity all season. At one point, they didn't have Alex Tanguay, Carey Price, Robert Lang and Saku Koivu for an entire month long stretch and they still made the playoffs. I know it in my heart, that they'll beat the Canes here. And unlike my friend, the Hockey Guru, I follow my heart instead of my head. Prediction: Habs in 6

San Jose vs Chicago: The Hawks will be in tough. This will be the series that proves whether or not the Sharks are true Cup contenders. Personally, I'd like to think the Sharks can compete but for some reason I have this nagging feeling Brian Campbell is going to earn his high end salary in this series. Prediction: Hawks in 7


Stanley Cup Finals

Chicago Blackhawks vs Montreal Canadiens: My dream Cup Final. An Original Six matchup for the first time since the Habs / Rangers Final in '79. Two of the brightest young forwards in the NHL against the brightest young goalie in the world. I will be looking forward to this come May / June. Prediction: I gotta go with the name of every fantasy team I created this year. Your 2009 Cup Champions and 25-time Cup winners. LES CANADIENS DE MONTREAL.

			Will-he-M
Boston						San Jose
	Montreal				San Jose
Montreal						Anaheim
		Montreal		San Jose
			Montreal
Washington						Detroit
	Washington				Columbus
New York						Columbus
			Cup Champs
			Montreal
New Jersey						Calgary
	Carolina				Chicago
Carolina						Chicago
			Chicago
		Carolina		Chicago
Pittsburgh						Vancouver
	Pittsburgh				St.Louis
Phildelphia						St.Louis
			April 12, 2009

Spezzal Teams Playa

Conference Semi-Finals

Mr. Gainey goes to Washington. The feel-good story of an idealist whose perception of reality is challenged when he is confronted with the well-oiled D.C. machine that is Capitals hockey (OK, so not so much a feel-good story, as a Shakespearean tragedy). Prediction: Washington in 5 games.

If I were to somehow continue in this vein, and relate the other three series' to classic films, I'd compare the Pens going to Jersey to a variation on Goodfellas, but with the opening title sequence from the Sopranos:

[cut to Sidney Crosby climbing into his Cadillac Escalade SUV for the long drive into New Jersey]

You woke up this morning
Got yourself some gum
Mama always said you'd be
The Chosen One

She said you're one in a million
You've got to skate to shine
But you were born under a bad sign
With a blue moon in your eyes

You woke up this morning
This work is so much fun
Your Papa never told you
About how to get it done

But you're looking good baby
I believe you're feeling fine (shame about it)
Born under a bad sign
With a blue moon in your eyes

You woke up this morning
The world turned upside down
Thing's ain't been the same
Since the Blues walked into town

But you're one in a million
You've got that shotgun shine
Born under a bad sign
With a blue moon in your eyes

Woke up this morning
Got yourself some gum
Got yourself some gum [end opening credits]



[cut to montage, with voice-over narration by Penguins co-owner, Ron Burkle]

"Man, back then, we lived like kings. These are the guys Craig Patrick put together for what turned out to be the biggest heist in American history - the Sidney Crosby draft lottery.

Tommy and Carbone would grab the guard and make him get us in the front door.

Young Frenchy and Jon "Buddha" Sim had to round up the workers.

Johnny Roastbeef had to keep them tied up and away from the alarms.

Even Brooks Orpik got in on it. He used to play guitar at the lounge. Everybody loved Brooks. Anyway, he was supposed to steal the van and afterwards compact it by a friend of ours in Jersey.

Everything was going along fine, only Mario was driving us nuts. Just because he set this up, he bugged Craig for an advance on the money we would later earn. He didn't mean anything by it. That's just the way he was.

I had everyone working for me. Even one of my old B-boys, from when I managed the Fat Boys, got in on the action."

[cut to Int. Burkle household, as P Diddy is retrieving compromising photos of Bettman, hidden in his portable baby carseat]

Burkle: "Have a good flight?"

P Diddy: "I hate Pittsburgh. Where'd you find such creeps?"

Burkle: "They're not that bad. And it's worth it. Is this the same baby
you used last week?"

P Diddy: "No, that was my sister's. This is Deirdra's."

Burkle: "She looks like you."

P Diddy: "That's what the stewardess said."

[camera pans over 8 X 10 glossy of a leather-clad Bettman and Bill Daly, in an unflattering S&M pose]
[fade to white, with The Rolling Stones' Starfucker playing over top of closing credits]

Ummmm....what was I talking about, again? Oh yeah, hockey. Prediction: Penguins in 6 games.

Columbus voyages west, into Shark-infested territory. I guess this was a movie, also. Meh. Suffice it to say, Nash bridges the gap between those old crummy BJ's that I was used to, and this new sensation. Too bad no man can achieve BJ success on his own. Prediction: Sharks in 5 games.

The Hawks take flight for more Northerly climes, heading towards Vancouver. This peculiar 7-year migration cycle has many Illinois birders recalling the last truly great event from 14 years ago. Unfortunately, this year's edition is lacking in the 150-point man department, which is what it would take to solve Luongo often enough. Prediction: Canucks in 5 games.


Conference Finals

The storylines have all been written already for the tag-team showdown between Sid and Geno, and Ovie and Semin. The inevitable comparisons will be drawn to the recently eliminated Patrick Kane. The pre-ASG feud will reignite between the future Team Russia linemates. The duelling banjo accusations of diving and showboating will fly.

Or maybe the guys will simply choose to march to the beat of a different drummer.

Either way, this will possibly become the most anticipated series since a young Gretzky took on the powerhouse Islanders. Prediction: Pittsburgh in 6 games.

Is the Canucks' season headed into the Tank? I'd bet on it. Almost as confidently as I would bet on Vancouver prevailing. Prediction: Nucks in 6 games.

Conference Finals

Flightless birds sighted on the B.C. coast. Further proof of the effects of global climate change? No. Just another ending to a long, disappointing season for the Pens. Prediction: Vancouver in 6 games.

			Spezzal Teams Playa
Boston						Vancouver
	Montreal				Vancouver
Montreal						St.Louis
		Montreal		Vancouver
			Vancouver
Washington						Chicago
	Washington				Chicago
New York						Calgary
			Cup Champs
			Vancouver
New Jersey						San Jose
	New Jersey				San Jose
Carolina						Anaheim
			Pittsburgh
		Pittsburgh		San Jose
Pittsburgh						Detroit
	Pittsburgh				Columbus
Phildelphia						Columbus
			April 12, 2009

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My Enormous Crystal Balls: NHL 2009 (Western)

by Hockey Guru, Will-He-M and Spezzal Teams Playa


After spending all of our time debating the Eastern Conference, we barely have time to scratch the surface out West. Without further ado:


Anaheim (8) at San Jose (1)



Guru: Can't wait for this series. The good news is that it will assure us of doubleheaders, rather than all the games going early. It will be worth staying up late for, but Anaheim doesn't have the goaltending to match Nabokov. And Joe Thorton is a clutch playoff performer (you heard it here first! This will be the year that he proves to be Conn Smythe worthy). Prediction: San Jose advances.

Will: I don't know why but I'm not interested in this series. Anaheim has no business being here and they're going to show it. Sharks will go through this series quickly. Prediction: Sharks in 4.

Spezzal Teams Playa: Somebody’s been eating MY porridge. I mean, this series isn’t too hard or too soft or too hot or too cold. It’s jusssst right. Or maybe this Sens fan simply wants to see the most graphic duck hunt possible – with sharks as the hunters. I guess the image of a shark devouring anything is cool, so a duck really isn’t the most graphically gruesome image imaginable (think shark vs. flame, or shark vs. lightning bolt). Nevertheless, these Ducks are as out-matched as the imagery would suggest. Prediction: San Jose in 5 games.


Columbus (7) at Detroit (2)



Guru: Steve Mason proves yet again that a rookie goalie can't win in the playoffs. Never happened before, won't happen now. Will can confirm this. The Habs have seen promising rookie goalies fall apart under the pressure of the playoffs. Rick Nash is scary good, but Detroit is loaded (except that goalie thing). Detroit can take it up a level, and will. Nash could be helping Team Canada soon. Prediction: Detroit moves on.

Will: A rookie goalie can't win in the playoffs? There are so many things wrong with that statement. Here's a free hockey lesson, Guru. These are the rookie goalies who have led their teams to the Finals, since 1950: Gerry McNeil (Mtl 1950-51), Jacques Plante (Mtl 1953-54), Glenn Hall (Det 1955-56), Don Simmons (Bos 1956-57), Roger Crozier (Det 1965-66, Won Conn Smythe), Ken Dryden (Mtl 1970-71, Won Cup & Conn Smythe), Pete Peters (Phl 1979-80), Andy Moog (Edm 1982-83), Patrick Roy (Mtl 1985-86, Won Cup & Conn Smythe), Mike Vernon (Cgy 1985-86), Ron Hextall (Phl 1986-87, Won Conn Smythe), Cam Ward (Car 2005-06, Won Cup & Conn Smythe). I digress. Now just when I was looking forward to the Jackets playing the Flames, they get passed in the standings. Steve Mason has been on fire all season, pretty much guaranteeing himself the Calder, and making a serious run at the Vezina. The Jackets have a superior man between the pipes and by the time Babcock realizes Osgood shouldn't be in there, the series will be over. Prediction: Jackets in 6.

Spezzal Teams Playa: To be fair to all of the veteran goalies out there, a list of twelve rookies to make the Finals in almost 60 years (or almost 120 goalies in the Finals) might seem like a lot, but how big would the list of rookie goalies that didn’t make the Finals be? Working backwards, you’d have Rinne, Elliott, Quick, Ramo, and Danis. Then you’d have Price, MacDonald, Ellis….The point is, with 4-6 rookies each season, the odds that one of them makes the Finals isn’t that remote. Steve Mason will not be the 13th guy to do it this year, but that’s OK. He’ll do the next best thing. Prediction: Columbus in 6 games.


St. Louis (6) at Vancouver (3)



Guru: Great run St. Louis, (try not to take a step backwards next year), but Roberto Luongo and Mats Sundin will find a way to get Vancouver into Round 2.

Will: I am so keen for this series. The two hottest teams in the NHL going head-to-head. This one is going to be great. I'm not sold on Sundin, as he's been nothing more then a bust in Van-city, recording the worst season of his Hall of Fame career (he posted his worst ever points-per-game and goals-per-game totals). I’m damn glad that he chose not to go to Montreal, but I will admit that I wanted him on the Habs all summer. The only thing that'll keep the Canucks in this series is the phenomenal goaltending that Bobby Lu is sure to provide. I just can't see the Sedins being able to carry the team on their backs. Prediction: Blues in 7.

Spezzal Teams Playa: Back at the All-Star Game, I pointed out to my Avs-lovin’ friends how tightly packed the West had become. They were all lamenting the fact that their team found themselves in 14th place, even after I reminded them of the incredible 1981 turnaround that their franchise had experienced in the second half. Still not impressed, I was forced to bring out the big guns. After Colorado had pulled off back-to-back victories against the two hottest teams at the time (Calgary and Dallas), I boldly offered to wager that the only team below the Avs would, in fact, sneak into 8th place. Whether they thought I wasn’t being serious or if they were concerned about what kind of odds they’d have to give me, the fact that nobody was willing to take my action came as a bit of a relief. Now, these same people refuse to admit that I called St. Louis to leapfrog over six Western teams in two months, when they actually passed 8 teams to grab the 6th seed. All this to say that I have been a big fan of the Blues since I was driving that wagon solo, but now I’m ringing the bell to disembark. Prediction: Vancouver in 5 games.


Calgary (5) at Chicago (4)



Guru: Calgary is not the team it was early in the year. Kiprusoff is not the goalie he was. Chicago is ready now to win. And will. (Way to go out on a limb and predict ZERO upsets in the West).

Will: This series is very reminiscent of the Pens-Sens series, from last year. On the one hand, you have a very young and solid group of players with 2 number one goalies. On the other hand, you have a struggling team since the Trade Deadline (8-11-0), who have an over-worked goalie. I just don't see the Flames being able to compete against the Hawks. Prediction: Hawks in 5.

Spezzal Teams Playa: To those who remember my dust-up with Mother Puckers a few months ago, they can attest to my lack of patience. But how many of you remember the time I locked the Calgary Hitmen from posting messages, for his repeated attempts to get my goad via his insults of Denis Savard and his Hawks? If you can forgive yet another thinly-veiled, self-congratulatory blast from the past, you’ll afford me the opportunity to proclaim another of my early predictions, when I said a year and a half ago that the Hawks would compete for the Cup this Spring. Prediction: Blackhawks in 5 games.


So there you have it people. 24 predictions from the three biggest loudmouths you’ll meet in this league. We also made our picks for each of the subsequent Rounds, which I’ll post shortly. With almost half of the Game 1’s wrapped up as we speak, I thought I should publish this list right away. I have certainly never shied away from long essays, but mapping the layouts has been eating up all of my time this evening. I had hoped to have about ten articles up by now, but I guess I’ll just go ahead and post the Matchups for our pool before getting into the Official Rules, which have basically been laid out already. I just saw New Jersey score, but I assure you I had them all along, so don’t go saying that I only picked them after seeing Game 1. I’ve been wasting spending so much time on this site the past two hours, that I barely even saw any of the games. Now, I’m going to go have a smoke and catch the tail end of tonight’s action.

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