Alternate Hockey History: The Locker Room Leaders

By Chris Barrymore


[Disclaimer: At this point, you are required to suspend all disbelief. And you must also completely disregard the space-time continuum. If you cannot bring yourself to do this, then I implore you to stop reading now. Apologies are also issued in advance to any who may stumble across this article and be offended by anything here. I know some folks are very protective of certain ideologies, like the stuff they talked about in Star Trek]

To those of you still here, then you are in for, as Clark Griswold once said of the Christmas turkey, "a very special treat".

The following people did some really good things. Some of them did some really bad things. One thing they all have in common is a love for hockey. They loved hockey so much that they played it, coached it, wrote about it, etc. Some had dreams of skating in the NHL against the world's best players. But none of them, for very different reasons, ever became stars in the NHL. And this investigative series is going to tell you why.

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Jesus Christ: Blessed with what some have called God given talent, Jesus would have made an exceptional centerman. However, Jesus only had one position he wanted to play: goaltender. Trying out for various teams (including the New Jersey Devils at the same time, humorously, when Miroslav Satan was trying out for them), Jesus just could not cut it in goal. Puck after puck would go flying past him. Jesus Saves, but that doesn’t mean he can stop a puck. He ultimately left the league and took up a career in carpentry.



Santa Claus - Defense: Although intimidating to some (mostly younger folk) due to his sizable bulk, Santa was cut from teams because he would too often gift wrap the puck to the opponent. These hand delivered presents of puck almost always ended up in the net, which resulted in Santa accumulating a -1225 +/- rating in his short career. After giving up on his NHL dream, he now owns and operates a manufacturing facility that provides employment to many workers who would likely be unemployable elsewhere in the world.



Captain James T. Kirk and Genghis Khan: Though neither one ever made it past the junior levels, their careers are forever tied together. It all started when they started playing street hockey and for some reason always ended up on opposing teams. After hundreds of games filled with spearing, slashing, cross-checking, tripping, and other assorted acts of poor sportsmanship, they vowed a lifelong hatred of each other.

Things took a turn for the dramatic when Kirk took an intentional stick to the face from Khan and lost nearly all of his teeth. Shortly after, Khan gave up hockey and returned to his homeland of Mongolia. There, he took up a career in stirring some shit up. Kirk continued on with hopes of eventually cracking the NHL, but it became clear to his teammates that the only cracking being done was to Kirk’s mind.

He would skate around screaming KHAN!!!!! throughout every game he played in from that point on, completely ignoring the flow of the game. Eventually his coaches tired of his endless ranting and cut him from the team. After hockey, he dabbled in astronomical adventure and also later practiced law. Just recently, he explored his musical side by collaborating with a variety of pop, rock, and country artists on the upcoming CD, Seeking Major Tom. But even after all of these years, he would still not hesitate to give Khan one more cross-check to the face if given the chance.



Confucius: coach; regarded by most as a very intelligent and ethical man. However, his coaching style was such that he would speak only in philosophical passages that left his players internally pondering aspects of life and more importantly, hockey. While this may have been personally enriching to his players, it mostly left them unable to compete and make the split second decisions that game action demands. Too often, they would stand around thinking about the ethical implications of delivering a crosscheck, passing to the Right Wing, or shooting high or low on the goaltender. After being fired as coach, he returned to his homeland and took up a career outside of sports.



Jason Vorhees: A strange one, this guy. Slow and plodding, but had a killer instinct for the game. Although he didn’t play goalie, he refused to wear anything but a goalie mask during scrimmages and practices. Things turned bad when he was arrested for the attempted murder of a goalie that challenged him to a fight over who would wear the mask. He spent some time in jail, but eventually escaped. His current whereabouts are unknown, but rumors have circulated that he spends his summers in Crystal Lake, Il in hopes of catching on with one of the minor league teams in the Chicago metro area.

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